wrote this sometime in the first couple weeks

hey sorry it took me so long to get this up and running,

there was severe lack of internets for a few days, and one they were found

the thought of writing was too daunting.

not now!

the trip over went well, i didnt sleep much but was kept entertained by British Airways' inflight media.

arrived in heathrow bleary eyed, was thrilled to see a starbucks. one last cup of normal black coffee.

arrival in rome was a joke. pretty sure the cop that stamped my passport didnt even look at me, def didnt check to see if there was a visa or anything.

he may have been distracted by his gold bling. stereotypes galore.

my bags were the last off the plane, and once secured, i was practically pushed into a cab and driven off.

i didnt even talk to the dude, just haded him a postit with my address and hoped i hadnt miswritten it.

i was dropped off right where i was supposed to be, but it took about fifteen minutes before i was let in

enough time for me to realize that i had not called home at the airport, and to start insanely hoping that mom and dad weren't noticing the time.

it all ended up fine, a woman who lives in the house came by just as the landlady pulled up, and i was greeted by my temporary housemates - all american, all at pontificals. there're nine of us all together.

three of us went out later that night to go to a movie at someones house. there's a lay student's of rome 'organization', and while i was exhausted and kinda in a bad/out of it/ not wanting to deal with people mood, i went anyways, figuring that if i didnt start being social now, i wouldnt ever.

it was nice, they were watching roman holiday, and i fell asleep.

met a bunch of people, a handful of TACers, lots of stubies.

get to bed finally, woke up just before i needed to leave to meet up with matt.

fortunately we communicated well, and he was waiting right where he said he would be.

after much rejoicing and hugging, we started stomping around, got food, went to the pantheon, trevi, spanish steps, st peters, etc. hours and hours of walking and talking, till we crashed at a restaurant close to his place that he loves, and ate good food.

after a couple of hours we somehow got tangeled into a conversation with these jewish brits who couldnt fathom why matt was becoming a priest. it was simulaneously hilarious and bizzarre.

then he had to go back home (we kinda stayed out later than we were supposed to)

i puttered around the house, hung out with the girls, went to bed

went to the closest church for mass, found out i missed it, met up with matt again

we got food at a grocery store, and hiked up this RIDICULOUS hill to a park overlooking the city. it was beautiful and nice, big enough that we got lost.

called it a day early, we were both thrashed from the day before, and i from the week before as well.

pretty chill, went to evening mass, early bed, had to get up for itialian class at santa croce

walked with one of the girls, marie, got situated ... i think went to santa maria sopra minerva ... idk

you know, blow by blows arent going to work.

basically ive had italian classes at santa croce everyday. afterwards i wander and wander, usually with someone, but often enough solo.

been to at least one new church every day. going to go to santa sabina tonight for mass. (favourite from rome97)

im in a brilliant area now, really bummed ill be leaving the house. checked out where my puntative future apt is ... really hope i find something out here.

anyways, so there have been fun moments. quite a few actually. i love all the girls in the house, and natalie is awesome. there're about four of us who get along really really well, and all have the common bond of not really knowing why we're here, or where life is taking us, but we are all here, now, only because of a strong and bizarre sense that we are supposed to be here. God wants us here and we dont know why. so, to take up the time, we're acquiring degrees and blisters.

i dont know.

i love the moment in "In Bruges" when ray tells ken that sightseeing is stupid and who cares about the history because "history!? it's just a load of stuff that's already happend, right?"

kinda how ive felt about history, as an acedemic discipline at least. but idk ... even after going to st peters and trevi and all that, i still was pretty apathetic to being in rome, prolly because i was so tired, but still, even though i had been adamant about not getting too excited, i was supriesd that nothing was really hitting me.

it wasnt until i went into the pantheon with matt that it all started to sink in. here is this unreal building, built to worship (allegedly) all the gods. the fervor and brilliance of pagan rome, and that the same building now is dedicated to the God of the Hebrews, and instead of being represented by an idol, He's physically present.

i dont know, it was surreal and profound. everything is forshadowed, Christ brought and brings all to completion. i read somewhere that the Christians dedicated the pantheon because where once demons were worshiped, the sacred will be.

it didnt feel that way though, it wasnt a sense of look how we've conquered and sanctified.

it felt like hundreds, thousands of people slaved (litterally) to build a momument to the gods, and they did the best that anyone's done and it was brilliant but it still fell short.

but now, it hasnt fallen short anymore. its done. it is a perfect place of worship.

and it made me really happy for the romans.

so yeah ... stuff like that. that's what's making me happy now. not this rush to see all this cool old stuff, but a continued sense that history is a living organism, and time is defininitly not linear.

and i think it is easier to live with a constant awareness of this totality in a place like rome, or athens maybe, or jerusalem. and i think that's part of the appeal.

so yeah, obviously i have had lines from Everything is Illuminated stuck in my head this week. sums up what i felt viscerally in the pantheon, and been aware of since.

"I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us, on the inside, looking out. Like you say, inside out. Jonathan, in this way, I will always be along the side of your life. And you will always be along the side of mine."

the communion of saints, etc.

last days

tomorrow is the last day of classes
ever
as a notre dame undergrad

not to make it all melodramatic ...
fortunately i said goodbye to classes last semeser
just like i said goodbye to football fall of 06

i knew it was going to be hard
ive always known
having friends like iain helps ... always on you about making sure it counts

now im studying for psych ... writing the last hitler paper ... bracing myself for the last late night in studio with my drawing

listening to radiohead concerts

two weeks from today it's senior week
which means in 15 days
R A D I O H E A D

i cannot say how much im looking forward to that concert
and dreading it

it will be amazing
beautiful
and SO MUCH FUN

matt, rob, brian, chris, maybe ben or joe, and myself are all driving down wednesday morning
12 hour roadtrip all toll

i just think ill need those hours being stuck in the car with the guys to be able to really feel like we did something that was close to enough
hopefully we'll be able to meet up with molly and her gang once we get to st louis

im sorry, there's a lot i want to express
but i dont think blogging is the answer

its been a weird blend of being reflective and panicked

i want to just spend everyday, all day
wandering around campus
memorizing every sidewalk, every crack

but instead ill have the walls of the library memorized
and the faces i see when i look up

and thats as much ND as anything i suppose

i know everyone loves their friends from university
and that's the hardest part of graduation

but ill be keeping in touch with the people who matter
many of my friend here are friends for life
we will communicate and know how each other is

but i cant have that relationship with campus anymore
i know this school, and she knows me

i love her ... everything.
and i dont really know how i can say goodbye

but somehow radiohead is going to help
is going to be saying goodbye
and i dont know why
but it will

this is my way of saying goodbye
because i can't do it face to face
no matter what happens now
i won't be afraid
because i know today
has been the most perfect day i've ever seen

















.

i realize this is old news

but man
crazy world

the money quote is : "while she may seem like an oddity to some, her proud parents think she is simply a God reincarnated."




luck she was born in india.
far from being shunned, villages around the country have been sending money and presents

dude.

aprrrillllllllllll

so i was hanging out yesterday, and i realized it was april fool's day
which means a year ago yesterday, i was collapsed on steve's floor
incapacitated with laughter due to a prank zach and greg had pulled on him/me/the rest of the house
THEN i remembered that so inspired, i called home and said i had been in an accident or something
looking back, i know why i did that, and i clearly remember thinking it would be hilarious
but man
what was i thinking
i would NEVER dream of doing such a thing
now at least
i was musing over this with greg
he said it was obvious that i would do something in australia, given the company i was in 24/7
(someone was always being pranked at some given time)

so yeah
sorry about that
really can't believe that happened

so it is. i am not injured.
just bored, with a headache, and sitting in the library
i dont know why i still get massive headaches
i drink a ton of caffeine, stay hydrated, and sleep
i dont think im stressed out
busy, definitely
but not stressed

oh well.

i also just realized that i dont think anyone reads this anymore
which makes sense because i didnt update for three months, and i havent told you that im writing again
hmmm

for drawing we need to pick some favourite movies, and bring in freeze frames of people in interesting situations
we're going to draw one that myu prof likes, i think it'll be our final project before out Final final project
i want to be one i dont love love,
first because then when its done badly, i will be more depressed than if it was something i dont care about as much
and second. because if we are doing something similar for our last thing, i want to do my favourite shot [as of right now]
(do you know what it is?)
so im thinking ... im not sure
first thought was the Godfather II, michael looking out the window onto the lake
but then my prof said he got the idea from a friend who did it with one of the table meeting scenes from GF and so i thought that might be a little unoriginal
keeping it simple is key
idk

maybe brenden fraser yelling at the mummy ... thats hilarious, and super stylized, so it would be easier than something more serious and subtle ...

dc weekend

dangit, i completely forgot to write it up and now ive forgotten the most of it im sure
anyways.
so we drive all night long into DC, i was able to sleep ok, but whatevs . get to St Agnes parish at 7am sunday, unload ourselves off the bus and stiffly down some coffee and muffins. mass was at 9am, it was nice. dont remember much of it, besides thinking that our group probably tripled the college age demographic. the elderly looked happy.
after mass a couple of kids from DC were leading tours, i tagged along one to the Holocaust memorial. ended up dropping off the group, liked it better alone.
its one of those places where it doesnt make sense to be with friends. its not fun, its not picture taking material. i was able to speed through some parts and sneak around some corners, shook off the ND kids.
it was incredibly powerful, and very tastefully done. you take an elevator from the ground floor up to the fourth, and slowly wind your way down. pretty much everyone who volunteers there is a holocaust survivor, when you get on the elevator up they hand you "identification papers", each telling the story of one individual victim.
i died, my friend randomly got the story of the gentleman who was in charge of our elevator.
it was a little overwhelming.
at first it was just numbing, the story of how antisemitism rose in europe, how it got to be so bad with no one doing anything. i was emotionally OK until we got to the part about the kristallnacht pogroms, and they had these gigantic photos of a synagogue in berlin (i think), before and after. before, it was stunning. so beautiful, so meticulously decorated.


after they had a replica of one of the entryways to the holy of holies.
it was beautifully engraved, wooden, and hacked to bits. they also had the original copy of the Torah that was in the synagogue, after the nazis ripped it up and threw it in the street.
i think it was seeing the Torah, in a gianormous glass case that did me in. it was horrific enough seeing the destruction to the synagogue, but actually looking at the Torah ... it was rough.
its the little things you wouldnt think of that really get to you
the concentration camp room was horrific. they have train carts from auschwitz, bunks from dachau, and wax replicas of bodies discovered in mass graves. the hardest part to watch were the videos of the allied troops discovering the camps for the first times.
so many really had absolutely no idea what had been going on, and the looks of shock and revulsion were completely surreal. i mean, you've been fighting across europe, freezing to death, dying of who knows what, and finally the end is near and you're going to rescue some detainees, and you stumble on Auschwitz-Birkenau?
you think you've seen it all already, but you've come no where close to humanity at its worst. while walking from floor to floor, there's a tower that cuts all the way from the bottom up.

"The "Tower of Faces" is a three-floor-high segment of the permanent exhibition at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum devoted to the Jewish community of the Lithuanian town of Eisiskes, which was massacred by units of the German Einsatzgruppe and their Lithuanian auxiliaries in two days of mass shootings on September 25 and 26, 1941 ... For two days 4,000-4,500 Jews were held without food or water. On the third day the killing action began with the mass shooting of all the men at the old Jewish cemetery. The next day the women and children were taken out and shot near the Christian cemetery. Only 29 Jews escaped the slaughter." -memorial website





everyone shown on the tower walls was killed.
after the concentration camp floor, on a catwalk going down to the last level, on the windows overlooking the memorial (sorry, im not describing this well) they have names of people killed, all first, none repeating, just to get a feel for the enormity of it all.
i wasnt going to hold up traffic, so i was just glancing at them as i walked by, more looking through the windows onto the floor below. but as i was walking, "esther" and "gerd" caught my eye, right next to each other. that one hit home. i think everyone thought i was a nutter because i would start crying at the weirdest places.

of course the hall of remembrance is incredibly intense as well. but peaceful, and beautiful. then the gift shop. whoooooeeeeee, i love museum stores. i had the wonderful thought, that if i went to IPS, then i would always get christmas presents from that store. lots of great stuff. sounds wierd, but its true. like WWII movies, and jewish literature, and beautiful handmade stuff from the local jewish community (random, but fun) and little dradles and things.
anyways,. after that i wandered out to the national mall. thats a trippy experience. walking across the street, preoccupied with not getting hit, and WHAM, there's the washington monument. and the capitol. and lincoln. and the WWII memorial. and the SMITHSONIAN. and lots of really big, very official looking buildings. it was redic, in a word. i went to lincoln, because i wanted to see NAM.
that was a let down. the lincoln memorial is preposterously huge, completely out of place, and in no way appropriate. then in comparison, vietnam is completely dwarfed. it was like seeing rushmore after crazy horse. a very, "oh." moment. no one understood why i had no desire to actually go up to the statue of lincoln, and i didnt feel like explaining that the whole thing irritated the dickens out of me

meanwhile, the WWII memorial was amazing. you can tell because i took so many pictures (yes, i updated my photoblog)

anyways, that was pretty much sunday. went back for a huge potluck dinner thrown by the parish. it was really nice. talked with my friends mark-kate and darrah, and philip little and his gf

monday i woke up early, hitched a ride to the metro, and hung out in this mall thing. it was boring. and ugly. i was getting discrouraged, convinced there was no way that i could possibly live in DC, but then i took the next top to the IPS headquarters.
nice place, great part of the city
ive told you how that all went. they're so new and things kept breaking, it was hilarious
after my "interviews" i helped set up for the open house
the admissions dirctor was all, "oh no, its ok, you can sit down" but i told her that i gew up setting up buffet functions, and i was more comfortable with fixing the seating arrangments
it was hilare

it all went wel, they're very nice, and gave us a curb side ride o the national shrine for the vigil mass
mass = a TON of people
it was great, tackled cardinal george after
went to the dominican house of studies, beautiful place
then the next day was breakfast with the presient
whooooeeee

it was great
think really clean bathrooms, marines EVERYwhere, and this awesome piano player man in a bright red uniform
food was good, but all very petite (many jokes about finding a mcdonalds/starbucks after)

yeah
surreal
(this is me picking this post up again after letting it sit for two months)
seeing all the portraits of the presidents was weird, esp that one of kennedy
maybe we dont like him
maybe he caused problems
but that is a beautiful beautiful portrait
and all the stuff of jackie-o, and little dumb things that you just dont notice, but realize after a while you've seen in history books and national geographic, and movies

speaking of movies
i hadnt seen the white house in dc yet, before this excursion
so yeah, we're driving up from st agnes', and all talking about how probably one of us would get the boot by security, and who knows what, like this was just insane
and as we drive up whatever street it is, all of a sudden, THEREs the white house
and no joke, you just see it from the gates and theres all the lawn and its just there and i swear the very very first thing i think of
independence day
i told everyone in the car then and there, they thought it was hilarious and agreed
theres alot of history to that building but when you see it sitting there like that, despite who knows how many shots of it like that you get on the nightly news, really the only image i had in my head was the alien ship right above it, blasting it to smithereens

very very surreal
and now i want to watch it again
but yeah, that was hilarious

so when you're in the white house, eating breakfast, and looking through the windows, that was when it really hit me
from the outside, it looks like the building that exploads spectacularly by aliens
from the inside, looking out towards the capitol, with that fountain thing on the lawn, you really get that *this* is the white house
and pretty much everyone checked out that view

crazy crazy

so after a while we just started wandering like villans, seeing how far we would mender without the secret service/marines freaking out
we realized erveryone was congregating in this room with a podium set up
and think, ooolala
so we (me, mary kate, and mary forr)
all plop down behind some nuns, play the, how many hidden cameras can you find game, and admired this screen set up in the corner, with about four marines standing behind it, and the hints of a sniper rifle, and wondered how much stuff happens every day in DC that no one ever hears about

but yeah, the president comes in, hes really short, and gives a great speech
he noticed the marys and me almost right away, cos everyone else in the room was fairly dignified, but we were just in hysterics
"this is our life? really? WHAT are we doing here?!??! ahhhh its the president!!!"
stuff like that
very similar to what would have happened, had i been there with jacquelyn i think

so he gives us this hysterical look, then makes this face at the nuns, and so after his speech he littlerally *hops* over the shrubbery around the stage, goes up to the nuns, and huddles with them, i have no idea what they were saying and we were the closest people too them
but after he kisses them all on the cheek, and reaches back to shake all our hands
asks where we were from
"notre DAME"
and he consequently pointed out the people who got us in, asked how our trip had been, and did a hand pump thing and gave a "go fighting irish! yeah!"
it was spectacular spectacular
immediately after we all just huddled looking at our hands wondering if we could ever wash them
the ND kids right behind us were very jealous
(oh yeah, i totally won at life that time because i do the double-hand shake if i really mean it, you know shake someones hand and put your other hand on the back of theirs? so BOTH my hands were on the pres, mary and mary only got thier right hahahahahha)

so yeah, we were giddy
after we left the white house we saw the presidential motorcade leaving for who knows where
that was cool too
(a military guy leaning out of a humvee with a sniper rifle)
but yeah

so we changed and went to the national mall
staked out a ND spot near the front
after everyone else met up with us, may mary and i found starbucks (under a golden dome, it was awesome, see pictures)

i was disenchanted with the march, but we have talked about that
overall thought, i suppose it was a success
i got horribly sick because of exposure to the cold
slept most of the way home
yeah
good times

and im posting this even thought its not a blow by blow coz im sick of not posting it

thursday

today has been a good day.
after staying up till ridiculous hours working on the second of three OC paper
i got up, went to a meeting
got to the DH, had an AMAZING wrap i made myself (spinach tortilla, layer of guac, one slice swiss cheese, four strips of fake looking bacon, at least half a tomato (sliced), a handful of baby spinach, all topped with bbq sauce, wrapped up tight and grilled)
went over the paper again
met up with brian to talk about the philosophical elements of paper, ended up having a nice conversation/fight
met up with ginna to talk about the grammatical elements of the paper, ended up looking at pictures/being silly
dropped off paper after refraining to drip blood all over it from my paper cutted finger
talked to mom, thought about gingerbread men
enjoyed greg making lasagna for ginna and myselfj
invited more people over and had a few rounds of progressive gin, aka: The Best Card Game EVER
good was really good, enjoyed baked goods ginna's mom sent over as her advent calendar
then most people left
ginna stayed with me as a i baked six lbs of cookies (thats a long story - basically i guilted my friend teddy into buying cookie dough to benefit operation smile, but with the condition that i bake them for him. so i am, he just stopped by actually, and praised my skills ... meanwhile i have to fend off all these lost freshmen who come wandering into the kitchen in search of fresh cookies, explaining that they arent really mine to give away ... they all look confused)
and now im baking cookies, writing this, but really studying plato

and its snowing outside, and there are white lights everywhere and poinsettias on the table
and the bells on the door outside keep ringing as people step in and out

like transmission

i was incredibly out of it at the library today
aftereffects of the GRE leaving me really tired combined with donating what looked like alot of blood equals a really sore arm on a dizzy esther

however, i did come up with the idea to classify things i want to do, and if i were to do them, how i would go about it (these are not ordered)

counseling: IPS for master's in gen psch and then PsyD in clinical, end up somewhere in the seattle area talking to people

law: tulane for JD, focusing on who knows what but right now corporate law (end up working for catholic charities or non-profit of some sort), or maritime (because it sounds fun and international)

education: pick up math classes somewhere in NW while working, apply somewhere for masters in education, teach high-school math at a preppy private school to pay off loans, then bounce around the world indefinitel

business: ND (one of the better two year MBA programs for non-business majors), and either take over fish place or some non-profit

medicine: pick up the sciences somewhere, then try to get into UW or OHSU if looking for an MD; OR look into a masters in public health from tulane, from a management standpoint or somesuch, and try to get with the red cross or something

philosophy: the new oxford program for a MS in ancient and medieval, focus on greek and consq Plato, come back to ND and be Sayre's protege while getting PhD, then find somewhere to hole up and devote life to theatetus and parmenidies

random: IPS for masters in gen psych, pick up classes in some language, work for the state department, become diplomat

random#2: IPS for psych, work as a professional negotiator/go to liaison type

life: go back to sydney, live in a hostel while working under the table and pay off loans, move to manchester, work as an undertaker, and figure out life



... thoughts?