inspiration escapes me

wrote this sometime in the first couple weeks

2009-10-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

hey sorry it took me so long to get this up and running,

there was severe lack of internets for a few days, and one they were found

the thought of writing was too daunting.

not now!

the trip over went well, i didnt sleep much but was kept entertained by British Airways' inflight media.

arrived in heathrow bleary eyed, was thrilled to see a starbucks. one last cup of normal black coffee.

arrival in rome was a joke. pretty sure the cop that stamped my passport didnt even look at me, def didnt check to see if there was a visa or anything.

he may have been distracted by his gold bling. stereotypes galore.

my bags were the last off the plane, and once secured, i was practically pushed into a cab and driven off.

i didnt even talk to the dude, just haded him a postit with my address and hoped i hadnt miswritten it.

i was dropped off right where i was supposed to be, but it took about fifteen minutes before i was let in

enough time for me to realize that i had not called home at the airport, and to start insanely hoping that mom and dad weren't noticing the time.

it all ended up fine, a woman who lives in the house came by just as the landlady pulled up, and i was greeted by my temporary housemates - all american, all at pontificals. there're nine of us all together.

three of us went out later that night to go to a movie at someones house. there's a lay student's of rome 'organization', and while i was exhausted and kinda in a bad/out of it/ not wanting to deal with people mood, i went anyways, figuring that if i didnt start being social now, i wouldnt ever.

it was nice, they were watching roman holiday, and i fell asleep.

met a bunch of people, a handful of TACers, lots of stubies.

get to bed finally, woke up just before i needed to leave to meet up with matt.

fortunately we communicated well, and he was waiting right where he said he would be.

after much rejoicing and hugging, we started stomping around, got food, went to the pantheon, trevi, spanish steps, st peters, etc. hours and hours of walking and talking, till we crashed at a restaurant close to his place that he loves, and ate good food.

after a couple of hours we somehow got tangeled into a conversation with these jewish brits who couldnt fathom why matt was becoming a priest. it was simulaneously hilarious and bizzarre.

then he had to go back home (we kinda stayed out later than we were supposed to)

i puttered around the house, hung out with the girls, went to bed

went to the closest church for mass, found out i missed it, met up with matt again

we got food at a grocery store, and hiked up this RIDICULOUS hill to a park overlooking the city. it was beautiful and nice, big enough that we got lost.

called it a day early, we were both thrashed from the day before, and i from the week before as well.

pretty chill, went to evening mass, early bed, had to get up for itialian class at santa croce

walked with one of the girls, marie, got situated ... i think went to santa maria sopra minerva ... idk

you know, blow by blows arent going to work.

basically ive had italian classes at santa croce everyday. afterwards i wander and wander, usually with someone, but often enough solo.

been to at least one new church every day. going to go to santa sabina tonight for mass. (favourite from rome97)

im in a brilliant area now, really bummed ill be leaving the house. checked out where my puntative future apt is ... really hope i find something out here.

anyways, so there have been fun moments. quite a few actually. i love all the girls in the house, and natalie is awesome. there're about four of us who get along really really well, and all have the common bond of not really knowing why we're here, or where life is taking us, but we are all here, now, only because of a strong and bizarre sense that we are supposed to be here. God wants us here and we dont know why. so, to take up the time, we're acquiring degrees and blisters.

i dont know.

i love the moment in "In Bruges" when ray tells ken that sightseeing is stupid and who cares about the history because "history!? it's just a load of stuff that's already happend, right?"

kinda how ive felt about history, as an acedemic discipline at least. but idk ... even after going to st peters and trevi and all that, i still was pretty apathetic to being in rome, prolly because i was so tired, but still, even though i had been adamant about not getting too excited, i was supriesd that nothing was really hitting me.

it wasnt until i went into the pantheon with matt that it all started to sink in. here is this unreal building, built to worship (allegedly) all the gods. the fervor and brilliance of pagan rome, and that the same building now is dedicated to the God of the Hebrews, and instead of being represented by an idol, He's physically present.

i dont know, it was surreal and profound. everything is forshadowed, Christ brought and brings all to completion. i read somewhere that the Christians dedicated the pantheon because where once demons were worshiped, the sacred will be.

it didnt feel that way though, it wasnt a sense of look how we've conquered and sanctified.

it felt like hundreds, thousands of people slaved (litterally) to build a momument to the gods, and they did the best that anyone's done and it was brilliant but it still fell short.

but now, it hasnt fallen short anymore. its done. it is a perfect place of worship.

and it made me really happy for the romans.

so yeah ... stuff like that. that's what's making me happy now. not this rush to see all this cool old stuff, but a continued sense that history is a living organism, and time is defininitly not linear.

and i think it is easier to live with a constant awareness of this totality in a place like rome, or athens maybe, or jerusalem. and i think that's part of the appeal.

so yeah, obviously i have had lines from Everything is Illuminated stuck in my head this week. sums up what i felt viscerally in the pantheon, and been aware of since.

"I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us, on the inside, looking out. Like you say, inside out. Jonathan, in this way, I will always be along the side of your life. And you will always be along the side of mine."

the communion of saints, etc.

last days

2008-04-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the last day of classes
ever
as a notre dame undergrad

not to make it all melodramatic ...
fortunately i said goodbye to classes last semeser
just like i said goodbye to football fall of 06

i knew it was going to be hard
ive always known
having friends like iain helps ... always on you about making sure it counts

now im studying for psych ... writing the last hitler paper ... bracing myself for the last late night in studio with my drawing

listening to radiohead concerts

two weeks from today it's senior week
which means in 15 days
R A D I O H E A D

i cannot say how much im looking forward to that concert
and dreading it

it will be amazing
beautiful
and SO MUCH FUN

matt, rob, brian, chris, maybe ben or joe, and myself are all driving down wednesday morning
12 hour roadtrip all toll

i just think ill need those hours being stuck in the car with the guys to be able to really feel like we did something that was close to enough
hopefully we'll be able to meet up with molly and her gang once we get to st louis

im sorry, there's a lot i want to express
but i dont think blogging is the answer

its been a weird blend of being reflective and panicked

i want to just spend everyday, all day
wandering around campus
memorizing every sidewalk, every crack

but instead ill have the walls of the library memorized
and the faces i see when i look up

and thats as much ND as anything i suppose

i know everyone loves their friends from university
and that's the hardest part of graduation

but ill be keeping in touch with the people who matter
many of my friend here are friends for life
we will communicate and know how each other is

but i cant have that relationship with campus anymore
i know this school, and she knows me

i love her ... everything.
and i dont really know how i can say goodbye

but somehow radiohead is going to help
is going to be saying goodbye
and i dont know why
but it will

this is my way of saying goodbye
because i can't do it face to face
no matter what happens now
i won't be afraid
because i know today
has been the most perfect day i've ever seen

.

i realize this is old news

2008-04-15T11:58:00.001-07:00

but man
crazy world

the money quote is : "while she may seem like an oddity to some, her proud parents think she is simply a God reincarnated."

luck she was born in india.
far from being shunned, villages around the country have been sending money and presents

dude.

aprrrillllllllllll

2008-04-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

so i was hanging out yesterday, and i realized it was april fool's day
which means a year ago yesterday, i was collapsed on steve's floor
incapacitated with laughter due to a prank zach and greg had pulled on him/me/the rest of the house
THEN i remembered that so inspired, i called home and said i had been in an accident or something
looking back, i know why i did that, and i clearly remember thinking it would be hilarious
but man
what was i thinking
i would NEVER dream of doing such a thing
now at least
i was musing over this with greg
he said it was obvious that i would do something in australia, given the company i was in 24/7
(someone was always being pranked at some given time)

so yeah
sorry about that
really can't believe that happened

so it is. i am not injured.
just bored, with a headache, and sitting in the library
i dont know why i still get massive headaches
i drink a ton of caffeine, stay hydrated, and sleep
i dont think im stressed out
busy, definitely
but not stressed

oh well.

i also just realized that i dont think anyone reads this anymore
which makes sense because i didnt update for three months, and i havent told you that im writing again
hmmm

for drawing we need to pick some favourite movies, and bring in freeze frames of people in interesting situations
we're going to draw one that myu prof likes, i think it'll be our final project before out Final final project
i want to be one i dont love love,
first because then when its done badly, i will be more depressed than if it was something i dont care about as much
and second. because if we are doing something similar for our last thing, i want to do my favourite shot [as of right now]
(do you know what it is?)
so im thinking ... im not sure
first thought was the Godfather II, michael looking out the window onto the lake
but then my prof said he got the idea from a friend who did it with one of the table meeting scenes from GF and so i thought that might be a little unoriginal
keeping it simple is key
idk

maybe brenden fraser yelling at the mummy ... thats hilarious, and super stylized, so it would be easier than something more serious and subtle ...

dc weekend

2008-01-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

dangit, i completely forgot to write it up and now ive forgotten the most of it im sure
anyways.
so we drive all night long into DC, i was able to sleep ok, but whatevs . get to St Agnes parish at 7am sunday, unload ourselves off the bus and stiffly down some coffee and muffins. mass was at 9am, it was nice. dont remember much of it, besides thinking that our group probably tripled the college age demographic. the elderly looked happy.
after mass a couple of kids from DC were leading tours, i tagged along one to the Holocaust memorial. ended up dropping off the group, liked it better alone.
its one of those places where it doesnt make sense to be with friends. its not fun, its not picture taking material. i was able to speed through some parts and sneak around some corners, shook off the ND kids.
it was incredibly powerful, and very tastefully done. you take an elevator from the ground floor up to the fourth, and slowly wind your way down. pretty much everyone who volunteers there is a holocaust survivor, when you get on the elevator up they hand you "identification papers", each telling the story of one individual victim.
i died, my friend randomly got the story of the gentleman who was in charge of our elevator.
it was a little overwhelming.
at first it was just numbing, the story of how antisemitism rose in europe, how it got to be so bad with no one doing anything. i was emotionally OK until we got to the part about the kristallnacht pogroms, and they had these gigantic photos of a synagogue in berlin (i think), before and after. before, it was stunning. so beautiful, so meticulously decorated.

after they had a replica of one of the entryways to the holy of holies.
it was beautifully engraved, wooden, and hacked to bits. they also had the original copy of the Torah that was in the synagogue, after the nazis ripped it up and threw it in the street.
i think it was seeing the Torah, in a gianormous glass case that did me in. it was horrific enough seeing the destruction to the synagogue, but actually looking at the Torah ... it was rough.
its the little things you wouldnt think of that really get to you
the concentration camp room was horrific. they have train carts from auschwitz, bunks from dachau, and wax replicas of bodies discovered in mass graves. the hardest part to watch were the videos of the allied troops discovering the camps for the first times.
so many really had absolutely no idea what had been going on, and the looks of shock and revulsion were completely surreal. i mean, you've been fighting across europe, freezing to death, dying of who knows what, and finally the end is near and you're going to rescue some detainees, and you stumble on Auschwitz-Birkenau?
you think you've seen it all already, but you've come no where close to humanity at its worst. while walking from floor to floor, there's a tower that cuts all the way from the bottom up.

"The "Tower of Faces" is a three-floor-high segment of the permanent exhibition at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum devoted to the Jewish community of the Lithuanian town of Eisiskes, which was massacred by units of the German Einsatzgruppe and their Lithuanian auxiliaries in two days of mass shootings on September 25 and 26, 1941 ... For two days 4,000-4,500 Jews were held without food or water. On the third day the killing action began with the mass shooting of all the men at the old Jewish cemetery. The next day the women and children were taken out and shot near the Christian cemetery. Only 29 Jews escaped the slaughter." -memorial website

everyone shown on the tower walls was killed.
after the concentration camp floor, on a catwalk going down to the last level, on the windows overlooking the memorial (sorry, im not describing this well) they have names of people killed, all first, none repeating, just to get a feel for the enormity of it all.
i wasnt going to hold up traffic, so i was just glancing at them as i walked by, more looking through the windows onto the floor below. but as i was walking, "esther" and "gerd" caught my eye, right next to each other. that one hit home. i think everyone thought i was a nutter because i would start crying at the weirdest places.

of course the hall of remembrance is incredibly intense as well. but peaceful, and beautiful. then the gift shop. whoooooeeeeee, i love museum stores. i had the wonderful thought, that if i went to IPS, then i would always get christmas presents from that store. lots of great stuff. sounds wierd, but its true. like WWII movies, and jewish literature, and beautiful handmade stuff from the local jewish community (random, but fun) and little dradles and things.
anyways,. after that i wandered out to the national mall. thats a trippy experience. walking across the street, preoccupied with not getting hit, and WHAM, there's the washington monument. and the capitol. and lincoln. and the WWII memorial. and the SMITHSONIAN. and lots of really big, very official looking buildings. it was redic, in a word. i went to lincoln, because i wanted to see NAM.
that was a let down. the lincoln memorial is preposterously huge, completely out of place, and in no way appropriate. then in comparison, vietnam is completely dwarfed. it was like seeing rushmore after crazy horse. a very, "oh." moment. no one understood why i had no desire to actually go up to the statue of lincoln, and i didnt feel like explaining that the whole thing irritated the dickens out of me

meanwhile, the WWII memorial was amazing. you can tell because i took so many pictures (yes, i updated my photoblog)

anyways, that was pretty much sunday. went back for a huge potluck dinner thrown by the parish. it was really nice. talked with my friends mark-kate and darrah, and philip little and his gf

monday i woke up early, hitched a ride to the metro, and hung out in this mall thing. it was boring. and ugly. i was getting discrouraged, convinced there was no way that i could possibly live in DC, but then i took the next top to the IPS headquarters.
nice place, great part of the city
ive told you how that all went. they're so new and things kept breaking, it was hilarious
after my "interviews" i helped set up for the open house
the admissions dirctor was all, "oh no, its ok, you can sit down" but i told her that i gew up setting up buffet functions, and i was more comfortable with fixing the seating arrangments
it was hilare

it all went wel, they're very nice, and gave us a curb side ride o the national shrine for the vigil mass
mass = a TON of people
it was great, tackled cardinal george after
went to the dominican house of studies, beautiful place
then the next day was breakfast with the presient
whooooeeee

it was great
think really clean bathrooms, marines EVERYwhere, and this awesome piano player man in a bright red uniform
food was good, but all very petite (many jokes about finding a mcdonalds/starbucks after)

yeah
surreal
(this is me picking this post up again after letting it sit for two months)
seeing all the portraits of the presidents was weird, esp that one of kennedy
maybe we dont like him
maybe he caused problems
but that is a beautiful beautiful portrait
and all the stuff of jackie-o, and little dumb things that you just dont notice, but realize after a while you've seen in history books and national geographic, and movies

speaking of movies
i hadnt seen the white house in dc yet, before this excursion
so yeah, we're driving up from st agnes', and all talking about how probably one of us would get the boot by security, and who knows what, like this was just insane
and as we drive up whatever street it is, all of a sudden, THEREs the white house
and no joke, you just see it from the gates and theres all the lawn and its just there and i swear the very very first thing i think of
independence day
i told everyone in the car then and there, they thought it was hilarious and agreed
theres alot of history to that building but when you see it sitting there like that, despite who knows how many shots of it like that you get on the nightly news, really the only image i had in my head was the alien ship right above it, blasting it to smithereens

very very surreal
and now i want to watch it again
but yeah, that was hilarious

so when you're in the white house, eating breakfast, and looking through the windows, that was when it really hit me
from the outside, it looks like the building that exploads spectacularly by aliens
from the inside, looking out towards the capitol, with that fountain thing on the lawn, you really get that *this* is the white house
and pretty much everyone checked out that view

crazy crazy

so after a while we just started wandering like villans, seeing how far we would mender without the secret service/marines freaking out
we realized erveryone was congregating in this room with a podium set up
and think, ooolala
so we (me, mary kate, and mary forr)
all plop down behind some nuns, play the, how many hidden cameras can you find game, and admired this screen set up in the corner, with about four marines standing behind it, and the hints of a sniper rifle, and wondered how much stuff happens every day in DC that no one ever hears about

but yeah, the president comes in, hes really short, and gives a great speech
he noticed the marys and me almost right away, cos everyone else in the room was fairly dignified, but we were just in hysterics
"this is our life? really? WHAT are we doing here?!??! ahhhh its the president!!!"
stuff like that
very similar to what would have happened, had i been there with jacquelyn i think

so he gives us this hysterical look, then makes this face at the nuns, and so after his speech he littlerally *hops* over the shrubbery around the stage, goes up to the nuns, and huddles with them, i have no idea what they were saying and we were the closest people too them
but after he kisses them all on the cheek, and reaches back to shake all our hands
asks where we were from
"notre DAME"
and he consequently pointed out the people who got us in, asked how our trip had been, and did a hand pump thing and gave a "go fighting irish! yeah!"
it was spectacular spectacular
immediately after we all just huddled looking at our hands wondering if we could ever wash them
the ND kids right behind us were very jealous
(oh yeah, i totally won at life that time because i do the double-hand shake if i really mean it, you know shake someones hand and put your other hand on the back of theirs? so BOTH my hands were on the pres, mary and mary only got thier right hahahahahha)

so yeah, we were giddy
after we left the white house we saw the presidential motorcade leaving for who knows where
that was cool too
(a military guy leaning out of a humvee with a sniper rifle)
but yeah

so we changed and went to the national mall
staked out a ND spot near the front
after everyone else met up with us, may mary and i found starbucks (under a golden dome, it was awesome, see pictures)

i was disenchanted with the march, but we have talked about that
overall thought, i suppose it was a success
i got horribly sick because of exposure to the cold
slept most of the way home
yeah
good times

and im posting this even thought its not a blow by blow coz im sick of not posting it

thursday

2007-12-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

today has been a good day.
after staying up till ridiculous hours working on the second of three OC paper
i got up, went to a meeting
got to the DH, had an AMAZING wrap i made myself (spinach tortilla, layer of guac, one slice swiss cheese, four strips of fake looking bacon, at least half a tomato (sliced), a handful of baby spinach, all topped with bbq sauce, wrapped up tight and grilled)
went over the paper again
met up with brian to talk about the philosophical elements of paper, ended up having a nice conversation/fight
met up with ginna to talk about the grammatical elements of the paper, ended up looking at pictures/being silly
dropped off paper after refraining to drip blood all over it from my paper cutted finger
talked to mom, thought about gingerbread men
enjoyed greg making lasagna for ginna and myselfj
invited more people over and had a few rounds of progressive gin, aka: The Best Card Game EVER
good was really good, enjoyed baked goods ginna's mom sent over as her advent calendar
then most people left
ginna stayed with me as a i baked six lbs of cookies (thats a long story - basically i guilted my friend teddy into buying cookie dough to benefit operation smile, but with the condition that i bake them for him. so i am, he just stopped by actually, and praised my skills ... meanwhile i have to fend off all these lost freshmen who come wandering into the kitchen in search of fresh cookies, explaining that they arent really mine to give away ... they all look confused)
and now im baking cookies, writing this, but really studying plato

and its snowing outside, and there are white lights everywhere and poinsettias on the table
and the bells on the door outside keep ringing as people step in and out

like transmission

2007-12-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

i was incredibly out of it at the library today
aftereffects of the GRE leaving me really tired combined with donating what looked like alot of blood equals a really sore arm on a dizzy esther

however, i did come up with the idea to classify things i want to do, and if i were to do them, how i would go about it (these are not ordered)

counseling: IPS for master's in gen psch and then PsyD in clinical, end up somewhere in the seattle area talking to people

law: tulane for JD, focusing on who knows what but right now corporate law (end up working for catholic charities or non-profit of some sort), or maritime (because it sounds fun and international)

education: pick up math classes somewhere in NW while working, apply somewhere for masters in education, teach high-school math at a preppy private school to pay off loans, then bounce around the world indefinitel

business: ND (one of the better two year MBA programs for non-business majors), and either take over fish place or some non-profit

medicine: pick up the sciences somewhere, then try to get into UW or OHSU if looking for an MD; OR look into a masters in public health from tulane, from a management standpoint or somesuch, and try to get with the red cross or something

philosophy: the new oxford program for a MS in ancient and medieval, focus on greek and consq Plato, come back to ND and be Sayre's protege while getting PhD, then find somewhere to hole up and devote life to theatetus and parmenidies

random: IPS for masters in gen psych, pick up classes in some language, work for the state department, become diplomat

random#2: IPS for psych, work as a professional negotiator/go to liaison type

life: go back to sydney, live in a hostel while working under the table and pay off loans, move to manchester, work as an undertaker, and figure out life

... thoughts?

brrrr

2007-11-30T11:37:00.000-08:00

so the pope has to be a sort of PR person, right? like he cant just say whatever he feels like, he needs to tread carefully etc. of course, he has the Holy Spirit on his side in a slightly more tangible way then your average being, but still ...

if you're a tenured professor, you can pretty much say whatever you want. you dont need to be quite as judicious, unless you are extremely aware of the impact you have on your students, and this is something i think macintyre appreciates. i honestly dont think he ever says anything that he doesnt throughly believe to be true

so if it came to a philosophical difference between mac and JPII, and you just had to accept one or the other ... who would you go with?
not a matter of faith, but intense philosophy.

just a question.

ps

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAC!!!!!

phew

2007-11-28T07:50:00.001-08:00

when you dont write for ages, the thought of starting up again can be daunting

i was going to do a thanksgiving post, but obviously didnt
it was really nice
i woke up earlyish, went to the DH with allison and christene
food was good, kids were cute, it was all very nice
then i spent about 4 hours on the phone, grandma, home, marmar, patch, jacquelyn, etc.
my favourite part was being curled up on my bed
lights off, heavy snow falling outside, heater on
cup of tea and an episode of supernatural

ahh .... it was nice

hung out with my friend mike gerardi for a little bit, watching the SC/ASU game, talking about football in general

i really like football. like, really like it.
glad we went out the way we did. stanford was a messy game, but hilarious
and anything that makes zibby smile ... well, odds are ill be happy too

[ps tavita pritchard? anyone? why dont WE get samoan quarterbacks?]

last night was nice too, diana came over from chicago, she and i stayed up late cutting out snowflakes ...
badin is psycho decorated, the phrase "looks like christmas threw up in here" might have been used, oddball decorations, bedraggled tinsel, broken lights held up with blue painting tape ... its pretty classic

well, i should go to class ... its why im here after all
speaking of, there's this guy in a couple of my classes, who never reads and skips all the time
and i get that if its a required class that you really really dont want to be in (poli sci for ex), why waste time going if you can learn it on your own and sped more time studying for the classes you want
but when you're a senior, everything you're taking is because you allegedly want to be there ... why do you skip? why do you NEVER read?
conversation at breakfast (circ 9am):
(im sitting by myself, with the NYtimes, very happy, quiet, enjoying my eggs)
guy *throws down tray* "hey!"
me " ... hi"
"mind if i join you?!"
" ... whatever ... im not a morning person fyi"
"oh ... neither am i ... this is the earliest ive been up since before fall break!"
"why"
"oh i had class"
" ... makeup time?"
"oh no, its at 8"
"every week"
"yup, its my favourite too. i love it so much."
" .... but you havent been since fall break?"
"yeah, i just cant get up"
" ... yet this is your favourite class"
"yeah, its really sad, i wish i could go more"
"you just dont bother to get up. seriously."
"yeah .... "
"wow" *go back to paper*
"oh, you probably think im a terrible person ... you must study all the time"
"not really, no. i do the reading and go to class though"
*looks all sad* "i know i know. ive wasted my college time. im a waste"

i didnt bother consoling him.
dont interrupt my breakfast.

old ladies and freshman football players

2007-11-13T09:06:00.001-08:00

so i was just in the restroom in the library, fixing my hair when this ancient vietnamese woman came in and started making conversation about what a beautiful day it was. very cheerful.
then i left and she was behind me so i held the door open for her (she barely came up to my chest, tiny tiny), and she looks up with this wide smile and says "have a nice life!"
it was really nice.

then i looked into a classroom on my way back to work, and saw my new football boyfriend ... what a great day.

oops

2007-10-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

yeah, so about my icon.
its minotaur, and its crying because its going to be killed by theseus... maybe

its from the album artwork of Amnesiac
a labyrinthine work, entered at one's own risk

?

[just a possibility]

ps

2007-10-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

6. my "Jew thing" (as one friend so delicately put it)

7. Absolute Obsession with kierkegaard (hee hee). i wrote a thingy in my last class because nieman "silenced" me, basically saying that i talked all the time and he was going to force other people to. it was frustrating, i had a lot to say. so i wrote this thingy, and titled it (keep in mind, i never title anything) "poetical fragments"
i really enjoyed that.

thoughts

2007-10-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

here i am going to list things that i want to think about outloud, do not have the time at the moment, but do not want to forget.
im putting them out in the open because im more likely to follow through this way, and i really do want to figure these out

1. the library is seriously considering phasing out bookplates, and listing all donor information online. my immediate reaction was "NO", and i had to spent about 15min explaining to my boss why, at the same time figuring it out for myself.
i basically ended up saying that the libraries owe the time and effort to the donors and even if they dont consciously notice them, its important for the students to see them
her first reaction was "oh yeah ... maybe later in life they'll remember and they'll donate too"
but thats not it, in fact i think thats a terrible reason. i want it to be non utilitarian ... more like the libraries setting an example for the students, than trying to put subliminal messaging out there.

2. section A of the nytimes. im obsessed. i actually dont like eating with people anymore, i look forward to sitting in a corner reading.
ive noticed that i scan headlines, and the ones im most likely to stop and read have to do with Iran, China, the Congo, or major businesses merging.
which is redic because im the token politics hater in the family, and i REALLY hate business.
know your enemies?

3. how i feel about life terms for juveniles. did you know that the US was the only country in the whole UN that advocates life sentence without the option of parole for juvies? why is that?
i dont know how i feel ... my head says that they should get a second chance, my gut (sry mom) says that they shouldnt.

4. we potentially need to create subdivisions of "minor." rape is evil and vicious no matter what, obviously. but there has to be a concrete difference in raping a 17 year old and a 3 year old (some guy who raped a 3 yearold girl and videotaped it four years ago got caught yesterday). i dont know. something about child molesters.
im mentally opposed to the death penalty ... but anyone who does anything to a child like that deserves to be impaled and fed to the harpies.

5. i love the dali lama.

ZOMBIE DANCE!

2007-10-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

if you want to laugh really REALLY hard, look up pitchforkmedia's review of in rainbows.
i was in tears, silently, because there are a ton of people studying around me.

i also discovered that if andy samberg is in something, im going to laugh really hard. even if it is just him punching people right before they eat something.
i think he's samardzija's lost twin.

i feel like i have had nothing to say for a while.
i read the NYtimes every breakfast ... almost always rip out some article.
but im left all blergh. maybe its cos currently my sinuses are filled with blood.

maybe im devoting my subconscious to figuring out what on EARTH im going to do for the OC's aquinas paper. grrr.

oh well, there'll always be youtube and snl digital shorts.

[live your dreams!!!!]

bloods

2007-10-14T22:53:00.001-07:00

yeah, so i was getting ready for bed, cleaning up etc
perhaps cleaned my ears with a non-earcleaning cottony stick thing
perhaps felt a slight discomfort, nothing to worry about
and after noticed that cottony stick thing is all bloody
and my ear feels wet

yeah, so i googled "bleeding ear"
not too much to do, positive the ear drum is intact, but thought maybe there was some reason for it
like, i didnt/dont feel a pain, i have no idea what happened

but once i saw "viral hemorrhagic fever" on the list of possible causes
i stopped looking

so yeah, other than that im fine
maybe i have ebola, but as far as a i know
im fine

*brrrr*

R A D I O H E A D

2007-10-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

its here. i woke up at 6:55am to listen to the world radio premier streamed online from london.
ive listened to it 3x so far ... im not sure what to think, where it falls on the radiohead rateometer
been talking to my friend sean all morning online about it, compare/contrast
i think its brilliant
im going to put it on my mp3 player
listen to it all day
but yes ... and videotape may be one of the most beautiful songs ... ever

I Ran

2007-10-03T19:53:00.000-07:00

i think im in love with andy samberg.
and as i predicted, i am the ONLY person who even likes Hot Rod, let alone is OBSESSED here

but yeah:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=UnpNkPCcfBM&mode=related&search=

[trust me]

IN RAINBOWS

2007-09-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

from deadairspace.com

Hello everyone.

Well, the new album is finished, and it's coming out in 10 days;

We've called it In Rainbows. (http://www.inrainbows.com)

Love from us all.

Jonny

**********

i found out from iain about 20minutes after he found out, we freaked out mutually for a little bit, then parted ways to spread the good news.
a subdued stevo knows, told marmar, was going to call home but gerd called right then, and so i informed him as well

ive been writing notes, and posting and pretty much telling anyone i can think of
this is the best news since ... well, since a LONG time, and im am STOKED

its going to be phenomenal, absolutely glorious beautiful
ive stopped shaking
but
i feel like im glowing

rain after the longest drought
rain
rain brings rainbows

["In Rainbows" -Radiohead, released October 10, 2007]

hey everyone

2007-09-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

take this!

http://www.politicalcompass.org/

my political compass:

Economic Left/Right: -4.62
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.51

i still dont get what it means, but im somewhere near gandhi ... it probably would have helped if i knew anything about globalization probably. and some of the questions are weirdly phrased and such, but it is funny, esp when they place current world leaders

aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight im out

YES

2007-09-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl		68%
Spider-Man		65%
Green Lantern		65%
Hulk		65%
Superman		60%
The Flash		60%
Iron Man		60%
Robin		58%
Wonder Woman		53%
Batman		40%
Catwoman		30%

Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

i finally found a superhero quiz where im a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!
and supergirl at that, aweeesome

a-jad

2007-09-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

yeah, i read pretty much everything in usa today, the ny times, and nro on the shindig at colombia.
what a mess.

however, what struck me most was this quote from usa today:

"In 1933, there was a fascist called Adolf Hitler," said Rachmael Benhaim, a 40-year-old psychologist from Queens who took time off from work to participate in the rally. "If people had protested against him, 6 million Jews would be alive … and World War II would not have happened. The lesson we learned is people have to come out and protest before things happen."

protesting ... our culture and its pathetic obsession with protesting

of course, i had this in mind:

"the self assertive shrillness of protest arises because the facts of incommensurability ensure that protesters can never win an argument; the indignant self-righteousness of protest arises because the facts of incommesurability ensure equally that the protesters can never lose an argument either. hence the utterance of protest is characteristically addressed to those who already share the protesters' premises. the effects of incommensurability ensure that protesters rarely have anyone else to talk to but themselves. this is not to say that protest cannot be effective; it is to say that it cannot be rationally effective and that its dominant modes of expression give evidence of a certain perhaps unconscious awareness of this."

yeaaaaaahhhhhhh macintyre.

0-4

2007-09-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

putting sharpley in at the fourth ... we might as well have screamed "WE QUIT" to the world

i dont mind losing, i mean i hate it, but i can live
but giving up?

ive never felt more defeated in my life
we kept it together and could have done it

we're a young team, its going to be hard and we have a really rough schedule
they were ok, not great but ok

our coach gave up on us.
the team deserves more than that
the student section deserved WAY more

he gave up on all of us.

2007-09-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

how can you know if virtue can be taught if you do not even know what virtue is?

Continued dialogue. Conversation. Sustained dialogue. Nothing.

we sit amongst ourselves and wax poetic on the evils and pitfalls of the modern world.
in the safety of our circles of friends, we conspire and dream.
how are we going to change the world
what everyone else is doing wrong
abortion
euthanasia
global warming
sexual violence
republicans democrats conservatives liberals psycho crazy deluded perverse evil

the labels we bestow upon ourselves and others keep us safe
protected by definition and absolutes, we do not need to look farther
we have the answers.
we know whats wrong and what is right

self definition
years decades centuries epochs of definitions continually constricting
incommensurability

divides that once were no more than scratches have deepened
the jugular is almost cut and western culture is bleeding to death

everything must be broken down
back to basics
before our wound can be healed

this healing cannot be forced
incommensurability must not be, cannot be destroyed through violence
arguments
hatred
suffering

[mutually assured destruction]

it must be overcome in love

we cannot know how to overcome it, without fully understanding it
we cannot fully understand it while simultaneously aggravating it
isolating ourselves
private dialogue

no matter how long your reach, this chasm is wider
if we do not first reach out to each other
we will fall off the cliff and join in the bloodbath

joined hands and minds

until we can find something so precious
so important
so beloved by all
that the risk of falling is worth the attempt to grasp

the chasms become deeper
the fall more devastating
and that unspeakable something, almost invisible the distance is so wide
will not only be passed over in silence
it will never be shown
it will fade into nothing

it must be shown

how

what is beloved by all
what is sought by all

the good life for man is a life spent in seeking the good life

the heart of Christianity lies in solidarity, not solitude

we must seek together
all
humanity

until the day the cherished something is not what unites us
we no longer reach out for ourselves
risking our lives to the fall
we reach past and aid our brother in grasping it as well
and to catch him if he slips along the way

which marvel superhero are you?

2007-09-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as The Hulk, The product of a science experiment gone awry, Bruce Banner turns into the unstoppable green monster the "Hulk" whenever his temper rises. The more angry he gets, the stronger the Hulk becomes. Bruce travels the world, hoping to find a cure for the Hulk and bring his life back to normal. However, he often has to become the Hulk to save those he loves when danger threatens.

The Hulk

90%

Blade

80%

The Punisher

80%

Elektra

75%

Wolverine

70%

The Invisible Girl

70%

The Human Torch

65%

Cyclops

60%

Storm

60%

The Thing

55%

Mr. Fantastic

50%

Daredevil

50%

Spider-Man

40%

***********

i love this, apparently im a very angry person, cos im almost the punisher AND wolverine, and im prettymuch not spiderman at all.
was all, dangit, not batman? but yeah, i dont think he's marvel. in fact, he's DC

i think all in all i like DC more than marvel. i think.
i should look into it.

that's pretty sweet tho, huh.

guess who!

2007-09-16T15:15:00.001-07:00

ok, the guy who's in both, right and left respectively. who does he look like?
hint: his initials are m.w. and he plays the organ and likes taking pictures of marmar

YEAH

so, obviously mark is somehow related to TEARS FOR FEARS (my newish obsession) and they are english and so is he and they're both musical and its so totally true.
i was very excited when i discovered this.

im also excited because i found a sweet, very rare, VERY cheap, TFF poster on ebay, and i got it for myself.
my room is looking gooood.

ok. im off.

you should listen to "woman in chains" -tff. youtube it or something.

ALSO, you know my pseudo friend "crowded house guy" that i IM with from time to time? well, he sent me some stuff from one of his friend's bands. it is brilliant. im truly obsessed. AND, they are touring with this ND grad right now, who puts on great shows, and they're coming to chicago in three weeks and im SUPER pumped. cos im going with christene and some of her crowd.
yeah, its been a good weekend.

memories

2007-09-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

how long do you mourn before it is time to move on?
yesterday ginna was really frustrated because there was not an all-school campus mass at the basilica scheduled for today
i tried to soothe her, pointing out that it has been six years after all, and at some point we need to move on, we dont memorialize pearl harbour still after all

then i woke up this morning at 845, i lay in bed for a minute thinking about how i really didnt want to wake up, and eventually noticed in my sleepdrugged state that the bell of the basilica was ringing, slowly, like it does when there is a funeral on campus
at first i was confused, then i remembered the date, and was even more confused and irritated because i thought at first they got the time wrong - it was 546am that the towers were hit
and 630am when i found out -i wont ever forget that

of course, then i realized that im on the east coast for time ... it actually was right

so i lay in bed for 10 minutes, listening to the bells
noticing that the light at that time is so beautiful
and that six years ago it was another perfect beautiful day
until new york, dc, and pittsburgh became hells

i hate thinking about 9/11 and i still cannot watch footage from the 11th -13th
but listening to those deep slow bells, i couldnt help it
and tears flooded back with the memories

so when i got to the dining hall for breakfast, opened up the campus paper, and saw nothing
absolutely nothing
i became enraged

this country has started to either ignore the day, or turn it into the official anti-war day
i hate that people use today to push the war, or cry out against it

for me, this is still a day of mourning
-not to be contaminated with political agendas-
i, myself, have not moved on
and am still deeply bothered by memories of six years ago
i watched tv all day long
and before they fell i watched human beings jumping out of burning towers
a nation watched them fall like rag dolls
it was the most horrific thing i had, and have, ever seen
and we saw people become buried alive when the second tower fell

i was a country length away, but i was there
and i couldnt do anything
and that impotence stays with me still as i wonder how long will i have to mourn before i can heal from that

and i know that if i feel this way, millions of others must as well.
the towers were not landmarks for me
i have never even seen the pentagon
ive never walked in the fields outside of pittsburgh

no one i know died.

but this day is an agony, and my own school does nothing
nothing besides a peace rally/prayer service by the war memorial
and they dont even want peace
not true Peace
they want to make a statement

they want their voices to be heard

and i dont know how to deal with that
how can you want to speak,
when hearing is drowned in the cacaphony of 2,819 voices crying out to heaven

3,015 children who lost a parent

no, we are not ready to forget
like it or not, we are still, deeply, in mourning
i guess in a way, we do and always have "moved on"
keep going
... so i dont know when enough is enough
when it is appropriate to stop the memorials
not anytime soon for me
as a nation?
no, its still too near ... perhaps by the time the last firefighter who risked his life has passed on
perhaps then
for myself, when i can watch the towers fall and keep it together
maybe

for the now though

In paradisum deducant te Angeli; in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem. Chorus angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere æternam habeas requiem.

-we, who are undefeated
because we have gone on trying ...

quotes

2007-09-07T07:32:00.001-07:00

picture of the day:(down is the new up, don't ya know)

so
im supposed to be looking up "motivational" quotes for this post board that people put the names of people who did nice things for them in the library. im finding it harder than it should be, seeing that i cant stand most things that are used motivationally. or just quotes in general like, i just looked up a bunch by eliot, and there are so many there that sound all deep and catchy by themselves, but knowing where they come from and their context, its so ridiculous that they've been quotized "humankind cannot bear very much reality" does that make ANY sense outside of context? does it? stupid. anyways, as i go on, im going to throw ones up here that catch my eye, but probably wont be too motivational : -O

"it's strange that words are so inadequate. yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words."
ts eliot

(unless you're lord peter)

"because philosophy arises from awe, a philosopher is bound in his way to be a lover of myths and poetic fables. poets and philosophers are alike in being big with wonder."
sir thomas aquinas

(sir! SIR!! gotta love stupid people.)

"i wonder anybody does anything at oxford but dream and remember, the place is so beautiful. one almost expects the people to sing instead of speaking. it is all like an opera."
yeats

(i dont care if he was a neo-pythagorea pantheist. im in love with yeats)

"the earth laughs in flowers."
ee cummings

(this made me think of mama)

Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always
been the two most beautiful words in the English language.
henry james

(summer afternoon or cellar door ... gotta say, summer afternoon)

aaannnnnnddddddd!!!!!! just so you know, these are the ones i picked out for the post board thingy after four hours of searching ... well, with frequent breaks to look up grad school information, and desperately trying to find an appropriate radiohead quote, which of course failed, but wouldnt it have been hysterical? so i settled for finding apropos thingys from people i love instead, and some i dont even know but looked cliche enough:

“For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.”
T. S. Eliot

“There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds.”
Gilbert K. Chesterton

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
Michelangelo

”And say my glory was I had such friends.”
William Butler Yeats

“The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.“
e. e. cummings

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

Dale Carnegie

"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is exhilarating; there is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather."-- John Ruskin

"The kindest thing you can do for the people you care about is to become a happy, joyous person." Brian Tracy

"A good laugh is sunshine in a house." William Makepeace Thackeray

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but reveal to
them their own." Benjamin Disraeli

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." -- Carl W. Buechner

"Be kind and merciful. Let no one ever come to you without coming away better and happier."

Mother Theresa

“Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.”

George Eliot

“No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnal face.”
John Donne

“Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected”

Ghandi

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

J. R. R. Tolkien

"Now is our chance to choose the right side. God is holding back to give us that chance. It won't last forever. We must take it or leave it."

C.S. Lewis

“What would the world be, once bereft of wet and wildness? Let them be left. O let them be left, wildness and wet; Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet.”

Gerard Manley Hopkins

“One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man's laugh before you know anything of him, you may confidently say that he is a good man.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

“In faith and hope the world will disagree, but all mankind's concern is charity. .”

Alexander the Great

“The love of heaven makes one heavenly.”

Shakespeare

i am AWESOME. i have alexander the great [!], hopkins, eliot, lewis, and yeats.

plus, i hope you caught how random that tolkien quote is. im going to print it off very small, put it in a corner, and see if anyone notices.

!!!

hmm.

2007-09-05T07:13:00.001-07:00

see, this is why gerard butler is one of the sweetest actors in hollywood. he can be a dad, a tortured misunderstood artiste, just gorgeous, OR leonitus ... that takes talent

meanwhile, my love clive owen is opening on friday in "shoot em' up" ... i have no idea what its about or if its supposed to be good, but ill find out soon enough, hee hee.

so guess what i did today (right now im in the library "working"). i woke up, wanted to die because my throat hurt so much, but HAD to get up because the library is doing this photoshoot thing with pictures of students and i was pretty much the only one they could recruit.
it wasnt until after the fact that i realized that not showering was probably not a good choice, but honestly, it was hard enough getting out of bed.
turns out the photoguy's sidekicklady was from portland, that was fun.
its hot, that was not fun.

bu now im upstairs, looking up cool pictures of random people im in love with, and wondering if ill ever make it to scotland

meanwhile i should get on the GREs. ew.

readings

2007-09-04T19:38:00.001-07:00

i told mom i would keep her up to date on what im reading
so far:

macintyre: just randomness from the Summa Contra Gentiles
plato: the first two chapters of sayre's book on plato, which is GREAT, and im going to make stevo and mom read once im done with it; and the meno
socrates, nietzsche, and kierkegaard (SKN): the aplology and phaedo so far
mysticism: a couple of henry james lectures, and clement of alexandria's stromateis book vii
aquinas: question 1 ST; and two excerpts from two books by ratzinger, which were AMAZING
i couldnt even handle it (intro to christianity chapt 3-4, and principles of catholic theology, chapt 1)

these are some random quotes i got all obsessed with:

"the exponents of neoplatonic philosophy went a step farther, by interpreting myth ontologically, expounding it as symbolic theology and thus trying via interpretation to reconcile it with the truth. but that which can go on existing only through interpretation has in reality ceased to exist. the human mind rightly turns to the truth itself, not to what by means of devious interpretation can be shown to be reconcilable with the truth, though no longer containing any truth itself."

HA. take that "weeellllll if you look at it this way it looks like God is actually saying "some men" when He says, 'all men' ..... " people

" 'not to be encompassed by the greatest, but to let oneself be encompassed by the smallest - that is divine'. the boundless Spirit who bears in Himself the totality of Being reaches beyond the "greatest", so that to Him it is small, and He reaches into the smallest, because to Him nothing is too small ... to Him who as Spirit upholds and encompasses the universe, a spirit, a man's heart with its ability to love, is greater than all the milky ways in the universe."

"we unthinkingly assume that pure thought is greater than love, while the message of the Gospel, and the Christian picture of God contained in it, corrects philosophy and lets us know that love is higher than mere thought. absolute thought is a kind of love; it is not unfeeling idea, but creative, because it is love."

"the highest possibility of Being no longer seems to be the detachment of him who exists in himself and needs only himself. on the contrary, the highest mode of Being includes the element of relationship. it is hardly necessary to say what a revolution it must mean for the direction of man's existence when the supreme Being no longer appears as absolute, enclosed autarchy but turns out to be at the same time involvement, creative power, which creates and bears and loves all things ..."

"the highest power is demonstrated as the calm willingness completely to renounce all power; and we are shown that it is powerful, not through force, but only through the freedom of love, which, even when it is rejected, is stronger than the exultant powers of earthly violence."

and then he goes into mathematical beauty and then the most beautiful discourse on freedom and the incalculability of the world, and im not kidding by the end, i was freaking out and all THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING EVER!!!!!!!! and then i had to go read clement (by had to go, mean still have to), and it just is NOT cool comparatively (he's all gnostic and foolishness)
so
you should read it
so you can enjoy it too

(the BEST part is that tomorrow i get to hear dr o'call lecture on it ... =D )

ok

night

herm

2007-09-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

well, no need to talk about the game.
we were terrible, awful. i cant talk and it was all for nothing.
but as one of my friends pointed out, it could be worse
we could be michigan

other than the obvious than, its been wonderful being back at school
completely insane, im going to die from reading and no sleep
but all of my classes are phenomenal
i adore my profs
and the final for aquinas' philosophical theology is going to be a major paper on finding God in 'the end of the affair'
God bless john o'callaghan

what i really wanted to talk about though, was something that struck me yesterday by the lakes

i was sitting on one of the benches, mentally preparing for the pep-rally (badin hosted), and was vacantly admiring the way the sun sparkled on the water when i remembered a conversation i had with mom a few weeks ago
i was trying to explain why i find it so amazing that everything can be explained in semi-scientific ways, like sunsets and rainbows and starfish-you know, there are reasons why they are as beautiful as they are, and in order to function properly, its necessary that the result be beautiful
(at the time i was trying to think of reasons for dinosaurs existence - mom was saying that it should be enough that they existed simply to instill wonder and amazement at creation, but im still convinced there's more too it ... i dont know why, probably something to do with beauty always being a sign of some larger truth ... i dont know)
anyways
it just hit me in a very intense way, looking at the sunlight on the water, that i know exatly why it looks the way it does, with the constantly moving water because of the slight breeze and ducks floating around, the sky being absolutely clear, and spotty memories from chemistry about light and reflection and angles and whatnot, and if water must be all reflecty and shimmering-otherwise it wouldnt be able to serve its purpose of pretty much maintaining life on earth, and that without the light from the sun and the heat and chlorophyll and all that again, we pretty much wouldnt have life
so its necessary and all understandable and pretty dang cool
but you know, obviously God could have made the world any old way He wanted, but He made it so that it is just absolutely beautiful
in and of itself, the water and the sun and the lake was amazing. it was like sequins and happiness and i could have (and did) stare at it for a very long time
and i thought about how if i had my camera with me, i wouldnt take a picture
and i FINALLY understood why really, i dont like taking pictures of beautiful things
because they are never, ever as beautiful as the real thing
but mostly, because it somehow implies that *this* is more beautiful than by what we are normally surrounded

and really, we should be in awe constantly. and i think its a failing of mine, at least, that i do judge some natural things to be more beautiful than others
my sunset in broome for instance
at the time, and if im honest with myself, still, i consider it to be the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen
but that we because it was so spectacular, and unusual, and in such a unique and utterly new setting, i think i was more attracted to the novelty of it
i forget to realize that things i have grown up with, and have become totally desensitized to, are really just as beautiful
like grass, and leaves, and heavy grace of pine trees.
we are always surrounded by beauty
campuses like TAC and ND make it easier to recognize this
but even in cities, where there is little to no nature left
and you are in a ghetto and there are no beautiful artifacts
there are still people, and to me this is the greatest tragedy
the most beautiful thing you can ever be around on this earth is another human being
"immortals living in a mortal world"
and yes, there are bad people, and many will end up in hell
but we are given the means to aid as many as we can
we are able to help each other

and then i started to think about how the catholic conception of hell is beautiful
in its own way
that frpaul sermon about how no one is in hell who doesnt want to be there
and God damns no one, but loves us so much that if at the end of times that is what we are asking for, and despite how much it pains Him, He will send us there

then i started thinking about how that is the only way to think about hell and have it be anywhere palatable really (for me ... and i still have my issues at times ...), and that is because it is the only way of thinking about hell in terms of beauty
and in a way it is beautiful
so in a way i believe that it is true

and all the arguments i used to get into with rob about how i cannot believe anything on faith f it isnt beautiful, and that beauty is truth
and truth beauty

and dante
and eliot

then i went to the peprally and was all happy and then went to the game and was NOT happy
and this probably doesnt make any sense but just kinda me going off on random things i go off on
but it made more sense yesterday, i promise
(im just back in my bad-esther-habits and at the moment have a hard time seeing anything as beautiful after the revolting debacle of a game we all witnessed this afternoon)

but yeah
felt like writing about it

and to conclude thoughts from yesterday, i remembered my favourite quote from American Beauty ... possibly my favourite movie quote ever, and thus will end on a major cliche
(knowing that dad at least (dont know if mom watched it) will prolly get mad at me because i know you hate it)

"relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain"

...beauty flows through me like rain

and thats why i dont like taking pictures

ps: happy birthday catherine =)

tac, again

2007-07-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

hey hey, im back in southern cali, soaking up the sun at tac

ill write about sydney when i have more time, prolly after i get back home
in a nutshell, it was brilliant
the first night i was there, Kat and i walked to circular quay and sat on the side closer to the bridge, and spent two hours talking, looking across the harbour to the opera house, and watching the bridge
i needed that long just to let it sink in
as soon as i accepted the reality, i never once had the "ahhhh! i cant believe im in sydney!!" feeling
of course i was
id been waiting and ready for years
it was like a coming home of sorts
deep familiarity was already there

the olympic park was an emotional trip
it wasnt even about being so in love with the olympics/ian anymore
it was about the history, the significance it has in my life now
almost like going to a memorial of sorts
i have little interest in what the park is used for now (although that was kinda cool)
i only care about it for what it was 7 years ago, and how much that effected my life
it was crazy
esp that i already knew pretty much everything they tell you in the tour, i didnt realize i still knew all that ... the stuff we know, and dont know we know - its crazy

now im at TAC
its sunny and beautiful
i started crying when i first saw stevo because i didnt recognise him
he's all grown up and huge and tan and blonde
wierd

salting the wound

2007-06-08T02:48:00.001-07:00

so i check my email and i get a thingy from NRK that has the subject line:

"Muse Presale" [!!!!!!]

it's time we saw a miracle
come on, it's time for something biblical ...
come on, and change the course of history

*holds breath*

"94/7 Presents Muse on September 10th at The Rose Garden Theater of the Clouds! Tickets go on sale this Saturday (6.9) at 9 am through the Rose Quarter Box Office BUT being a Nation Member has its advantages and you will be able to get your tickets a couple of days early. Starting today at 10am until tomorrow (6.8) at 10pm click the link below and use the password 'nation'."

yippee.

too long trying to resist it
you’ve just gone and missed it
it's escaped your world

im not even upset.
resignation and all that

bump dee bump, bump dee bump

2007-06-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

yeah, so i forgot to tell you that last week (the peculiarly hellish one) ended with me ripping off my little toenail on my right foot
i was running upstairs to print off my LAST paper of the semester, and while taking a turn rather sharply, i caught my toe on the metal tread thingy that's supposed to help you from falling down the stairs
who'da thought it would be leathal on your toes if you stubbed them too hard against it
anyways, my first thought was "DANG THAT HURTS"
and i stopped abruptly and concentrated hard on not passing out
then i looked down, and saw that i hadnt just stubbed the heck out of my toe, it was streaming blood everywhere and the nail was all loose and dangly
ew
but, i had a paper to print off, so i just sucked it up and continued on my merry way

the best part was when i was going outside to turn it in, went down the fire-escape stairs, and all the guys were congregating around talking about classes being oooovvvvveeerrrr
me: "hey! want to see something really gross?"
guys: "yeah! wha ... AAAHHHH YOUR FOOT'S COVERED IN BLOOD GROSS!!!"
me: "hee hee, told you"
guys: "AAHHHHH GO GET TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!!"
me: "nope, i have to turn in my paper"
chris brennan: "is that the lit paper?" (he's in the class too)
me: "yup"
chris: "jerk" (he wasnt done yet)
me: *limps off*
guys: "you're crazy!"

i was a crippled mess for two days, work was NOT fun. but it got my off early on sympathy points so it ended up working in my favor
it finally stopped hurting two days ago to the point where i could cut off the little bit that was still attaching my nail, but when it come off i looked at it more closely, and realized that not only did the nail come off, the little baby nail that was growing in came clean off too
so now im utterly nailless and have a feeling that i might end up inheriting papa's magic toe after all
=)

other things:

australian's use pumpkin in everything, pumpkin soup, ravioli, wraps, pasta, bread, mufins, chicken ... everything. and it's good too! i especially am fond of this pumpkin wrap that i get at a cafe down the street

even though ive been here for four months and now instinctively walk on the left side of the sidewalk, and look to the left first before crossing the street, whenever i see a car with only one person in it (driver) my heart skips a beat and i think "oh my gosh! who's driving that car!??!!"

the music scene here is at least a year behind, as well as clothing trends

australian soaps are probably the worst thing i have ever seen. to the point where i honestly wonder if the 'actors' get paid ... i mean, they're bad. way worse than american

the mcdonalds thats about a minute walk away is the only mcds in the world that is on the beach. kinda cool.

coffee here is wierd. they dont know what drip or percolated coffee is in fremantle. if you want black coffee, you order a "long black" which is an americano. everything is esspresso based. flat whites and lattes are the same thing, the only diff is that lattes are served in glasses, and flat whites are in reg coffee cups. and if you want a double latte, its a macciato
go figure. also, there is no starbucks in western australia. which is fine by me cos i love my cafe, but still, odd.

and last, but not at all least
merry christmas !!

http://www.tv-links.co.uk/show.do/1/2080

as far as i know, all the links work. allot are from the first season, but there are some from later ones. its still great

love ya

Summer 2007 Tour Dates for Crowded House

2007-05-31T20:26:00.000-07:00

07.07.2007
Aussie Stadium
Sydney, AU

08.04.2007
Calvin Theatre
Northampton, MA

08.05.2007
Bank of America Pavilion
Boston, MA

08.06.2007
Mann Center for Performing Arts
Philadelphia, PA

08.08.2007
Beacon Theatre
New York, NY

08.09.2007
Beacon Theatre
New York, NY

08.11.2007
St. Denis Theatre
Montreal, Qu

08.13.2007
Massey Hall
Toronto, On

08.14.2007
Michigan Theater
Ann Arbor, MI

08.17.2007
Pabst Theatre
Milwaukee, WI

08.18.2007
House Of Blues - Chicago
Chicago, IL

08.20.2007
Uptown Theater
Kansas City, MO

08.22.2007
The Fillmore Auditorium
Denver, CO

08.24.2007
Humphrey's By the Bay
San Diego, CA

08.25.2007
Santa Barbara Bowl
Santa Barbara, CA

08.26.2007
Oakland Paramount Theatre of the Arts
Oakland, CA

08.28.2007
Greek Theatre
Los Angeles, CA

08.29.2007
The Mountain Winery Amphitheatre
Saratoga, CA

08.30.2007
The Mountain Winery Amphitheatre
Saratoga, CA

09.01.2007
Bumbershoot Festival
Seattle, WA

09.02.2007
Portland Center for the Performing Arts - Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall
Portland, OR

i never miss them by more than 7 days.

i have listened to them avidly since i was a child of 11/12 years old.
i know the lyrics to almost every song on Recurring Dream: The Best of Crowded House
at least three of their songs makes me cry every time i hear them, due to overwhelming nostalgia and love

i propose that the family takes a road trip to drop off stevo, or at least myself and a parental unit so that i can see them in san diego or santa barbara and fly to school from LAX
OR jacquelyn and i road trip down
something

at some point i have to stop taking it, and say,
"enough is enough. this is completely ridiculous"
i will NOT let the universe sit back and laugh at me
i will beat the system

they are my love, and something must be done.

and yet i know that it wont work out ... and i wonder if thats why this keeps happening
i dont try hard enough

enough.

ps

2007-05-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

im also refering to how recent australian literature 'mirrors' changes in australian government and society, specifically globalization and more involvment in international issues
and thus when refering to authors addressing these issues, i talk about them using literature to 'reflect' the changes.

get it? literature is the mirror? authors use it to reflect??

... i must be more caffeine-wired than i realized.
and dont tell me that im not being original ... at least not until ive turned it in

in 8 hours.

YIKES

because i dont have anyone else to talk to ...

2007-05-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

wheee!!! i just figured out what i think australian 'national literature' is all about!
ive been sitting at my computer for hours, looking up articles, trying to find SOMEONE who gives a concrete definition that i didnt think was rubbish, and was coming up blank for ... well forever. then i said "what the heck" and decided that my definition was as good as anyone elses.
except i didnt know what my definition was

then i did!

check it out:

... This ‘Australian legend’ became the ideal in which Australian postcolonial literature was immersed. ‘Post-colonialist’ literature refers to literature that deals with stereotypical postcolonial issues, such as identity and personal journeys through unknown/hostile environments.[1] According to Helen Gilbert and Joanne Tompkins, “A theory of post-colonialism must … respond to more than the merely chronological construction of post-independence, and to more than just the discursive experience of imperialism … colonized peoples respond to the colonial legacy by writing back to the center.”[2] In other words, in order to deal with the changes wrought by newfound independence, post-colonialists need to go back to the identity they had before colonists invaded. The problem with this is that Anglo-Australians never had an identity prior to colonization; their heritage was Britain. ****This is what I view as Australia’s ‘postcolonial challenge’: its national identity must be made ‘from scratch.’ Thus in this paper, Australian ‘national’ literature will be understood as postcolonial literature that is seeking a deeper understanding of ‘what it is to be’ Australian. ****
[1] Helen Gilbert, Joanne Tompkins, Post-Colonial Drama: Theory, Practice, Politics, Routledge 1996, p.11
[2] Ibid.

yeah, i think its awesome. and exciting. and *magically*, fits my paper beautifully!

(its cooler if you know the name of my class is "Australian Literature and the Post Colonial Challenge", and that our assignment has nothing to do with the issue of what exactly the 'challenge' is)

plus i just realized tonight that while writing papers at least, ive become freakishly uptight about dangling prepositions. i never used to care.
i also hate split infinitives, but am much worse at catching them, and tend to use them chronically.

oh yes

2007-05-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!!!!!!!!

you're 35 now, right?

i would call, but i dont have minutes
i would email, but i dont have your address
i would comment on your blog, but you dont have one

psh.

hope it is glorious. love you immensely.

GOOD LUCK with the move. im thinking of you often.

recent thoughts

2007-05-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

i wrote these in my journal last thursday.
then i kept going back and thinking about them ... and i realized that i do not want to keep them for myself
they need to breathe somehow

so, apologies ahead of time if this comes across as narcissistic
that is not the intention

here they are:

[musings from lit tutorial]

you need to look death in the face to live - dessaix
"we are immortals, living in a mortal world" (lewis, i think)

-the only way to truly live life is as an immortal
and living this immortality is to be saturated with the awareness of death

if death was my reality
where would i go
who would i share it with
what are my regrets (kat's questions)

-this is supposed to be an exercises, placing yourself in the shoes of someone with a distinct expiration date
but isnt death supposed to be our reality always?
and isnt this what life is about?
making the choices of where our reality takes us
the relationships we choose to bring along our way
recognizing that although
"all things, and every manner of thing, shall be well" -dame julien/ts eliot
if we never have regrets, we are left with very little to grow from

or maybe thats wrong, there are always choices we wish we could take back
moments of repentance and reconciliation
but do we really regret them? they make you who you are
without these moments of failure, i would not be myself
to regret, to wish away different
i would be someone else
do i really want that?

O happy fall, etc

"life as a collection, not a series of splashes" -robert dessaix
narrative unity (macintyre)

the personal reality of death
a true sense of 'no regrets' while retaining contrition for wrongs done
we are not infancy, followed by childhood, adolescence, high school, university, grad school, marriage, etc
there must be unity ... uncertainty of the future, awareness of the past, our ancestors
all we know is what we are
live in this knowledge, not in fantasies of what the future brings

" Not fare well,
But fare forward, voyagers." -eliot (4Q: DS.III)

life is the journey between point A and point B ... and all the other points
it is not where we are going but how it is we get there

-its the journey

the difference between travelers and tourists
those that walk their own path and those that follow someone else's

-this is one of my favorite points from discussion.
[my Let Down moment]
the realization that this is how i think of australia
and this is what i have learned about myself
i have been a traveler and tourist for so long
but not since i have been here
this tranquility is not unique to australia or traveling abroad
its always existed, i just didnt see it ... ah!
seattle radiohead st. patricks byrd notre dame and australia
these have been mine
my travels

"hope is the certainty of Bliss" -night letters
that Bliss does exist, and we have the means to attain it

-of course. straight up baltimore cat
ive just become enamored with the word
Bliss
i think its an idea of which all of us are aware
and some to achieve bliss
but Bliss
this word makes the moments where
"the prospect of eternity becomes momentarily unbearable"
beautiful

"if life is to be beautiful
time must be transfigured" -night letters
not everything is linear

-beauty exists in the present
history ancestry culture
and the reality of death

lewis, macintyre come to mind again

" It seems, as one becomes older,
That the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence—
Or even development: the latter a partial fallacy
Encouraged by superficial notions of evolution,
Which becomes, in the popular mind, a means of disowning the past." -eliot (4Q: DS.II)

where does religion fit?
the difference between organized religion and spirituality

-the books we are discussing are very spiritual
but reject organized religion
why?

the disjunction between separate unique paths
and following the train tracks ... the path of a dogma

-we are to be wild and wandering
not lemmings running to a social cliff
but religion, dogma is a paved road, isnt it?
(this is how they see it, and i realized, subconsciously, i had too)

how to reconcile?
everything said so far seems so true, so real
and it could basically be a commentary on the Four Quartets (thats what i was thinking at least)
so it MUST be true
but how do you travel
on a highway full of rush hour traffic

then i realized

[and this is my revelation]

the Faith is not a train track
not a paved road with signs

Faith

Faith is the hand
to pull you up when you stumble
while off the beaten path
of a best friend reminding you
who you are in a crowded street
of the lover mutually experiencing
the solitary beauty of a moonlit beach

Faith is not the travel [tourist] guide
she is the companion

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

-eliot (4Q: LG.V)

who could have predicted that my australian literature class would help me live the four quartets and radiohead?

it barks at no-one else but me
like it's seen a ghost
i guess it's seen the sparks a'flowin
no one else would know

hey man, slow down, slow down, slow down

--radiohead, the tourist

EDIT: i realize that this isnt terribly well written or anything revolutionary
in fact, its all fairly obvious
its just when i have a harder than usual *duh* headslap
i get excited
and like to share
especially when it all comes down to eliot
... the four quartets continue to amaze and humble me

pirrrrraaaaattteeeeesssss

2007-05-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

ive seen POTC3! and because i went in with staggeringly low expectations, i was highly, thoouroughly amused.
will and elizabeth are as annoying as ever, but *i* think will redeems himself by becoming very ... well, easy on the eyes in the last 15 minutes ... if you catch my drift
and elizabeth ... well, jack puts it best:

(to will) "will you tell me something? have you come because you need my help to save a certain distressing damsel? er... rather damsel in distress? ... either one."

and there is an, ah, highly highly amusing attempt at a braveheart/gladiator/henryV/ID4 type rally round the flag/rouse the troops speach, which left zach, steve, and myself in complete hysterics (it was supposed to be moving ... i think, but it worked well as high comedy)

but honestly, i was impressed. very impressed.

oh yes, the first whole sequence with jack .... well, either the writers were on acid, or johnny depp wrote it. it was easily the trippiest movie experience ive been through in ages.

and keith richards! ah! yes!

what else.

OH YEAH

for a while my favourite part of the whole thing was the order of the pheonix preview. i was SO excited, and freaked out completely. it looks SO GOOD. i mean, protentially the best of the films so far. and if the film itself even comes near the intensity of the trailer, im going to be bawling by the end.
complete emotional mess.

speaking of, im assuming we are following the code and mama is going to read aloud the Death Hallows (is that the name?) this summer. cos if not, i call dibs. (ill bet 20 bucks with anyone who thinks im not going to, that i cry at the end ... i dont even care HOW it ends, ill just be a wreak they're over ... ='/)

ok, something non film related

i have been immersing myself in research about the iranian revolution (79) for the past few days, and not having phone minutes to call you is getting exceedingly vexing.
i keep getting on gmail to see if papa or catherine is online so i can tell you to call me, cos there's no point in telling you vauge times ahead of time cos i never have any idea where ill be (aka library, class, walking (usually cant hear my phone then))
basically, ive been discovering alot of stuff i probably already knew, but obviously didnt retain, and ive been getting more than usually disenchanted with politics and governments
everything is ridiculous, everyone is horribly corrupt, and everytime there's some political movement to enact reform and change, it ends up just getting 10x worse
(did you know we funded iraq during the iraq-iran war, AND we funded iran??? and israel sent iraq and iran weapons, and they help other people, and basically EVERYONE is helping someone else blow something up, and its so circular and hypocritical (given official stances by the government) that in the end its next to impossible to figure out what on EARTH is/was really going on?)
AND did you realize that you can read all the declassified CIA documents online? they're all in this database. you can search by year, code names, operations, general keywords ... its completely addicting, and i dont even like this stuff. (!)

oh yeah
did you know we gave iraq 5 billion dollars during the iran-iraq war?
FIVE BILLION BUCKS

BILLION!?!?!?

i mean, thats just alot of money to be tossing around. on top of the chemical and biological agents of course. which came with the means to weaponize them.
from us. the US.

i mean, i know i know we arent perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but im starting to think that its as morally dangerous to become a politician as a lawyer.
sure it is possible to be both a good person and a politician/lawyer, but its highly unlikely you will suceed.
its a job that entails lying, and glorifies compromise.

compromise
the queen of virtues in the world of politics.
higher than tolerance and belief in the absence of moral absolutes.

hmm.
prudence vs compromise

... that would be an interesting essay

not going to lie, talking about pirates and harry potter is much more uplifting

sigh

woof

2007-05-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

yeah, i pulled *another* all nighter last night
the really really annoying thing is i was really exicted because initially i was going to be going to bed by 3 at the latest
THEN
i realized that i was going about my paper the completely wrong way, and at midnight had to delete everything i had written
(essentially half my paper)
and start ALL over again, new outline new everything
so i was up all night till 830, went to class and did some more reading,finding good quotes etc
then i skipped the second half of class cos it was just a documentary on the effects of vietnam on the vets
(i talked to people who stayed for it later, apparently it was 45min of old men crying)
wrote some more, went to my tutorial
wrote some more
FINNISHED
did a word count and i had 3,107 words
its a 1,500 word paper
DANGIT
so i spent about an hour and half trying to cut it down, but honestly everything i had to say was relevant
and i eventually got it down to 2,700
spaced it at 1.5 instead of 2 and am hoping for the best

im just annoyed, because the entire time i was researching it, i kept going back and forth on what my thesis was
so i really think its the worst paper ive ever written
and im really really mad about that
i know, if i had started it sooner, maybe it would have been better, more concise
but i dunno, i talked to the lady who's grading them, and shes really awesome
basically said as long as i made an argument and backed it up id be fine
and i did, it was just a fairly long and qualified thesis
SO
yes, can you tell im stil upset about this?
britt and cj keep yelling at me to stop thinking about it
ill get all quiet and in my own world, i get mad at them, saying that "HEY! how dod you know im thinking about the paper? i could be thinking about anything!"
of course they're right, i should just let it go
but MAN its just so frustrating
oh well, i guess we'll see
i really really hate it though.

grrrrr. must go back to bed and forget about it.

watch out, this is a rant

2007-05-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

so we watched this in class today. at first i found it mildly amusing, then interesting, then freakishly annoying, then i just got plain mad.
if you can find it on youtube or something, maybe netflix, you should watch it.
basically it was postulating that terror threats are a neo-conservative fiction based in the philosophy of leo strauss, initiated with the cold war, all in an effort to create fear in the american public so they would rally round the flag and become good moral citizens or something like that.
like, there was no threat from the soviet union, the CIA proved this in the mid 70s, rumsfeld etc knew they were wrong, and decided that since the CIA could find no evidence of weapons, they must have developed ways to avoid the CIAs detection thingys and whatnot. then runsfeld etc convinced the naive and nice president regan that he must DO SOMETHING, because there was this REALLY BAD threat, and regan didnt want to for a while, but eventually was convinced there was this really bad threat, and voila, the neo-cons have achieved their objective, the US was consumed with fear which would unite them as a whole, and turn them from their individualist liberal satanic ways. yipee!

yeah, thats pretty much what it said. terrorism is a fiction created by the US political thinkers because they're psycho, and they use fear to control the public.

for me the brutal irony that no one else was picking up on was that the tenor of the entire piece was cynical and stylized, like this weird music and a narrator thats like cousins with the CSImiami redheaded guy. so when it ended, all these kids are like, "omg! that is so scary, i had no idea the government is so manipulative" etc etc.
so we're leaving and this one girl is like, "ah! arent you so scared right now??"
i just started laughing, and was like "you realize what you're saying dont you? the entire piece was about how freaked out we need to be because we got duped into freaking out by the neocons .... right?"
" ... yeah ..."
"please tell me you see the irony?"
" ... oh ... yeah ... i guess ... but its all true, i mean they were citing evidence and facts"

GAH what is wrong with people? how is it that they dont understand that there is factual evidence for statistics and events? but that when it comes to motivations and theories, everything is based on perception, and this was from the freaking BBC?! of COURSE they're going to have majorly skewed perceptions, and its even more warped because of 30 years of haze building up on their mental lenses.

again. i say GAH.

i basically ended up going on a rant about how pieces like that are exactly why i HATE politics so much. because everyone is out for themselves, its all about self justification or affirmation.
its stupid. its hypocritical. its a waste.

yeah, im feeling bitter and cynical.
i should watch 300 again, get me all going for sparta at least.

towards the end i was mostly just wondering how catherine would react to watching the idiot thing. if she would have been able to watch the entire thing without storming out of the room, or watch it and be able to talk about it coherently with the rest of the wide eyed class.

i mean COMMON. you're going to sit there and listen to what the BBC is telling you and take it without question? if you were going to learn ANYTHING from that thing it should have been to not trust ANYbody, question everything, and quit accepting whats being spoon fed to you by the media and take the time to investigate things yourself if you really care that much.

GAAAAAHHHHH.

yeah, ill calm down later, im just annoyed by how stupid people are.

but then again i was watching it and thinking about how much emotion and personality had been absorbed into the piece, from the people who made it and the people who were watching it.
and i thought about dying and if it would matter at all then, if the USSR really was planning to invade or not, if iran has nukes or not, if iraq ever had wmds or FDR really did know about pearl harbor.
i think not.

i guess we're all just doing the best we can, huh.

when God got ticked off at david, it was for fooling around with bathsheba, not because he was at war with the ammonites in the first place.

i guess in the end im just not interested in the reasons why a country's being run the way its running ... just more concerned that the people running it are good people .... that sounds so lame, but i cant think of another way to phrase it at the moment.

maybe its because i tend to think about things in metaphysical terms ... politics can seem so vapid.

ha, but i guess i do too. oh well. whatchagonna do.

im baaaaaaaaaacckk

2007-05-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

hey! ok, well yeah, i guess i dont even have that much to talk about
im taking a break from researching my history paper. its only going to be around 1500 words, but i already have a ridiculous amount of source material. im going to be talking about how australian film may or may not mirror the real experiences of australians at war (read: of course they dont), and how movies like breaker morant and gallipoli are historical fictions rather than true stories, and they were created to deliberately form a national image and identity that australians can rightfully be proud of, instead of the previous stereotype of the drunken, misogynistic, idiot that kinda dominated australian films in the past.
did you know that alot of aus film is controlled by the government, or was at least, and movies like gallipoli and breaker were funded by the government to help clean up the stereotypes? i mean, both films were based on reality as far as the public and directors were concerned, i guess there was just allot of propaganda or something going on during the wars, so the aus troops may actually have been less than pristine, and instead of getting blasted to pieces because england hated them, it might have been because, well, they actually werent very good soldiers ... ouch.
five months ago i would have been outraged by the suggestion, but honestly, from what ive learned these past months ... i wouldnt be surprised. this is a very different country than i thought it was.
please dont get me wrong, i still love it dearly, but there's a fairly entrenched immaturity to the place, and their english roots go far deeper than i realized.
i guess it makes sense. they were founded as a penal colony, sure, but the majority of the migrants i guess seriously considered themselves as going to a british colony. they wanted to be attached to england, they fought in multiple wars for england, only because of england.
it wasnt until the 80s that they got their own national anthem for petes sake. most still like thier archaic allegiance to the queen. they WANT TO BE BRIT BABIES!

i guess i always thought of australia as a different sort of US, common bond being, both were attempted british colonies, but by gum, we got our way and look at us now! brit free and loving it!

not so much.

they're brats about immigration, had a white australia policy that completely persecuted any non-glowing white ethnicity until the SEVENTIES (like, even greeks and italians. if you werent anglo-australian, you were no good), and so so much of their culture reeks of "previously owned british colony"
we were talking about this in class actually, the problems aus has with racism and immigration, and my prof asked the abroad students if we thought it was much different than the US, or was it about the same
i ended up throwing in my two cents, and everyone agreed with me, and the australian students were slightly offended i think. it was something like
"well, actually, while there definitely are racial problems in the states, the whole immigration thing i dont really get here, and i have to admit, its emphasized for me the differences between the US and AUS that i didnt really appreciate before coming here. i guess its just that AUS clung to the idea of being a british colony for so long, and valued that mentality, and its only been in the last 30 years or so that you've started to break away. meanwhile, the US decided that it wanted to distinctly separate herself from england pretty much off the bat, and embraced a truly "melting pot" mentality to immigration ... i mean, we wanted to form a country where anyone, no matter what, could come and make a life for themselves. of course we've had our problems, and our hypocrisies, but at least thats what the ideal always was. we want and from our founding documents embrace diversity ... australia ... not so much"
but yeah, its true.
now im getting all goosebumpy and bright eyed thinking of the statue of liberty.
good grief im a basket case sometimes.

cos i guess that means allot to me. i mean, yeah, you can have the movies or books or cnn exposes on how racist and bad and hypocritical we are, showing the statue and monuments and whatnot to show how everything is for show, and make sure we all pick up on the cynicism, and yeah, sometimes the hypocrisy gets to me. but i guess the point is, at least we have an ideal, and all of us in our own way are striving for it. australia is still trying to figure out their ideal for themselves, and they arent doing the best job of it.

sorry, im being very abstract and vague. these are just thoughts that've been puttering around my head for a while.

ANYWAYS the reason you should be excited that im researching my paper NOW is because its not due for another week, and in estherland thats unheard of! of course, it wouldnt be happening if i didnt have TWO 2500word papers due the monday after this one, but still, im proud of me.

um ... you probably got the mesg i left on catheines blog, but i got my theatre and cinema paper back and got an HD! i was surprised surprised. followed immediately by wrath, because honestly, our prof lady was telling the class how there were tons of passes and credits because they didnt research enough, or focused too much on one thing and not another, and that there werent very many HDs. of course, i was freaking out, positive i got a pass or credit or something (Ds to low Bs), but i got mine back, did well, and after checking out with everyone else, was relieved because all the notre dame kids got HDs. we ALL get HDs all the time! honestly, if you were to take the top 5, heck 1% of this school, (2500 total), i would place allot of money that all the notre dame kids were in there. and im not trying to be cocky, i swear, its just so aggravating, because the history department hates us SO much, they think we're all slackers and terrible people, and good grief! we are doing phenomenally well here. we take more classes than any of the australians (people take 3 or 4 units at a time here), and we excel. the only class that allot of people arent excelling in so far?
history
the class that only has abroad students in it. i honestly think its because they're trying to make a point about how hard it is to do well here. but thats absurd! we're doing better than all of the australians in our other classes, and i think allot of people would do better in history if we werent being treated so badly by the profs.
well, thats harsh. there is one lady prof whos really awesome, she leads my tutorial, i love her. and she loves us and is super sweet. but everyone else treats us like second graders who have discipline issues.

*rant over*

thats been vexing. but yeah, other than randomly getting really upset about stuff like that, ive been doing great. my other classes are awesome ... well, we'll see how really awesome after i get my poli sci papers back, im extremely nervous about those. i just dont get poltics. arg.

i talked to kate online, she IS going to be at TAC this summer, and i havent confirmed, but im hoping i can stay with her. oh yes, i never got john daley's email, so i havent asked them officially if i can stay yet.

um, what else. works been going OK. i mean, it pays fine, i just get frustrated with how slow moving everyone is. im looking forward to the fish place again =)

i got a hair cut! it was a great experience. the hairdresser lady used to live in wales, moved here two years ago with husband and kids, HATES it, and listening to her rant about all the things that drive her up the wall was cracking me up. basically, fremantle is a fantabulous place to visit, and stay for a time. but i dont think i could do more than a semester. if i were to live here, it would have to be in melbourne or sydney or something like that. i love being able to get away from the city, but deep down, i love being around a big city more. or if i was to live away from the city, i would want to be AWAY. like in the kimberlies ... sigh.
i could live there for a while. they have a grave need for teachers. im looking into things, just a heads up.

yeah, i think thats more it actually. its not that i dont like australia, i just dont think i could handle living in urban WA. but we'll see how the east coast fairs when i visit (!)

aight, i should go watch gallipoli. *sigh* so much work to do, have to go watch mel gibson ... hee hee

but yeah, ill put up pictures when i figure out how (my computer is being retarded at the moment - im in a computer cluster)

love you all, hopefully talk to you soooon

the bends down under

2007-04-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

so after talking to the fam i went back to my cafe with britt to do some poli sci studying
ew

however, walked in and what do you know
fake plastic trees is playing
and they're currently playing all of the bends
i love this place

nothing like radiohead to make foreign policy bearable

question: if you had to summarize what it is to be an american with one piece of music/one song, what would you choose and why?

(ok, they just switched to the shins before bulletproof came on ... oh well, its still quality)

its ok!

2007-04-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

its ok
its ok
you don’t have to run and hide away

its ok
its ok
you know i love you anyway

it’s ok
it’s ok

this is my chance, this is my life,
this is my hope in an alleyway
this is my chance, this is my voice
there may be no more tomorrow
this my plea
this is my need
and my time of standing free
this is my step
this is my day
and the world is never the same

its ok
its ok
you know i love you anyway

its ok
its ok
you dont have to run and hide away

its ok
its ok
its ok
its ok
oh its ok!

man, im in like the best mood of my life, and i dont know why
in my cafe, listening to PJ tear up "its ok" from the live in NY concert, and its all i can do to keep from jumping up on the table and sing along at the top of my lungs

its just exultant and makes me so so happy =)

miss you all

broome baby

2007-04-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

ps

2007-04-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

oh yeah, this is hilarious.
last night while trish and i were walking back home from work, all giddy with the wads of cash we were holding, we heard these two deep, obviously male, voices ahead of us (it was dark, couldnt really see at first)
then we see this one guy, all regular, and this preposterously tall leggy blonde walking next to him (just with an awkwardly masculine facial structure)
so yeah, whatever, then the blone is all "hey girls" in this outragously high girly voice (after we'd already heard him/her/whatever talking in the normal male register), and so not gonna lie, i was amused, but you know, whatever, so we were just like "hi" kept walking
then, after they passed us, the blonde called back something, and i heard "hey, you're gorgeous", then 'thighs' and 'huge', so i was like, "dude, what did she just say?" and trish was like "uh, i think 'hey you're gorgeous, your thighs and a**s are huge, but you're gorgeous'"
so i was like .. um, ok ... and we walked in silence for about 15 seconds, then i was like "dude, were we just heckled by a *drag queen*??!" ... "um .. yeah?"
then both of us pretty much collapsed at the same time laughing, it took us all the way back to port lodge to control ourselves.

i have a feeling you wont really get it without me doing the voices, but trust me, it was absolutely hilarious. the sheer absurdity of it all and whatnot. hee hee.

oh australia.
too fun

wheeeee!

2007-04-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

ok, so (as i made clear yesterday i hope) ive been having a GLORIOUS time and life is good.
first off i got paid, so the stress of wondering if im really just doing slave labor is lifted. plus my boss doesnt seem to care for figuring out exact figures, and thus rounds up like its his job.
im going to get so spoiled so fast its not even funny.

in other news, i discovered the salvation army/good sams/st vincent depauls of frematle. all in this little mall thing right next together with an amazingly cheap and delicious smelling chinese place. ah! its like im back in south bend.
plus i got two shirts and a skirt [score]
AND (as a present to the house) the first two lethal weapons (its apalling how many people havent seen them) which will be amazing to watch with some of the guys for their first time.
AND (this is what is making me so so so happy right now actually) this LP of igor stravinski directing the NY philharmonic in the firebird suite and the rite of spring [SCORE]

all for five bucks!

i love life.

plus those midterms i thought i was going to take the morning after i get back from broome are in fact the NEXT monday, so i dont even have to worry about that right now, and can focus on my history/theatre and cinema presentations. whee!

PLUS i discovered that while my cafe let me down and blocked skype, they have NOT discovered limewire yet, and thus i spent two hours doing research and downloads tons and tons of music. =D

ummmm ... oh yes, and holy week is going to be a hit, im looking forward to all the services at the bascilica downtown. my friend biz and i are tentatively planning on hitting up the cemetary (to do research for our history project)on good friday. i know, slightly wierd, but apropos to a point, plus im slightly obsessed with cemetaries in general (one of my favorite places at ND), so that should be cool. then at some point we're going to go on a tour of the fremantle prison at night (supposed to be hyper creepy), they still have the original gallows up and everything. except for some random maintenance, its pretty much exactly as it was when they got rid of the last convicts. some people say complete with blood and everything, but i kinda doubt it.

ok, this is short, but catherine made a pointed comment about the length of my posts anyways, so i guess its ok (ha)
plus i have work to do.

aight, love you all. happy birthday to fiona, hope she heard me yesterday.
and heres a public apology to boodles, who apparently thought i didnt like to talk about things loudly.
silly.

AAAAAHHHHHHH

2007-03-30T08:53:00.001-07:00

ok, so im in australia but the past couple of days have been consumed with me trying to figure out what the heck i want to take for class next semester. it's a total goldmine in the fall! i mean, completely ridiculous.

heres the deal, i just emailed prof freddoso (head of philo dept) and basically told him to tell me what to do cos im overwhelemed. he's teaching a chesterton course (reading orthodoxy and the everlasting man), o'call is doing aquinas (pretty much the reason i went to ND for petes sake [reading: first thirteen questions of the summa]), sayre's teaching the class i made him teach (no way of not taking that one[reading: Euthyphro, Apology, Crito, Meno, Protagoras, Phaedo, Republic, Phaedrus, Symposium, and Theaetetus]), neiman (whom i love) is doing socrates etc (reading list coming as soon as i get it), and MACINTYRE is doing his thing (what fool *doesnt* want to take that class????.
ok so thats five classes. i could be completely psycho and just take five philos, what the heck. BUT.
there's this PLS class on lyric poetry that i HAVE to take (the one brian was telling me about), here's the course descrip:
An introduction to poetry through intensive study of several lyric poets writing in English. Through close reading of selected poems, students will become familiar with central literary devices, including rhythm and meter, image, metaphor, symbol, paradox, and irony. Poems studied will range from the Renaissance to the 20th century, and may include Shakespeare's sonnets and Keats' odes, along with the works of other major poets such as Donne, Herbert, Marvell, Gray, Wordsworth, Dickinson, Hopkins, Yeats, Eliot, and Stevens.

aaahhhhhh!!!!!!! i just emailed the prof and asked oh so nicely (well, groveled is more like it) to let me in even though im not PLS.

so i just emailed freddoso, explained my predicament, and asked him to tell me what classes to take (whatever i dont take for credit im going to audit), and if i was out of my mind to hypothetically take five philos.

other than that, life is good. im working all weekend, get paid on sunday (who's excited!). just realized that since im working so much, and (hopefully) getting paid so much, ill be able to keep my phone way more charged, and thus can CALL people without holding my breath praying skype does fritz out on me.

specifically: marmar, stevo, boodles, and sarah. havent talked to you peeps in for-e-ever.

could someone email me everyone's adresses?

ok, im off to clean my room and do some reading. hope everyone is well. PRAY im able to figure out next semster, no?
grazie

AAAAAHHHHHHH

2007-03-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

humdidy the second

2007-03-25T03:56:00.000-07:00

sooo ... dang, i had this whole list of things i forgot to put up last time and now ive forgotten most of em. grrr.

well, one thing. work was fun times. i had to buy a new outfit (*darn*), all black and what not, but its cute. and i get this great half apron with a dancing lizard on it =)
i got there and stood around being useless for about an hour, then things started really picking up and i ended up running food out to tables all over the place (they arent terribly organized) and if there wasnt food to be run, clearing empty tables and setting them up again. im basically a glorified busboy for the time being.
but its cool, because the food is amazing, seriously (its actually more than a pizzeria, its a fairly classy restaurant/bar as well), and pretty all the patrons were really nice. plus the people who work there are by far the friendliest crew ive come across yet, by the end of my shift we were all goofing around (i stayed till close, which is 1230) and one of the guys gave me a lift back home, so it was super sweet. PLUS i get payed 16bucks an hour, paydays on sunday, and (im fairly certain) in cash. =D

ok, get this
i just emailed fred freddoso and i have four philos lined up for next semester
plato with sayre (my meaning of life prof, this being the class i bullied him into teaching); God, philosophy, and universities with MACINTYRE (ill be rereading newman, but i dont think itll kill me); socrates, nietzsche, and kierkegaard with neiman (my maimonides prof that i love, i think the course description looks really interesting, but honestly, its mostly just an excuse for me to have a class with him again); possibly a joint seminar with two killer profs on the nature of freedom (its a philo/theo); and (hahahahahhahha) last but oh so definitely not least, aquinas' philosophical theology with (im so grinning right now) john o'callaghan.

i love my life.

i dont know about the joint seminar yet because there's a PLS seminar on poetry that my friend brian really wants me to take that i will take if avail, but i just asked him what exactly its called/whos teaching it, and i dont know yet if its being offered. if it is, im going to take it as long as it doesnt conflict with my main four philos, and if i do take it, ill probably end up auditing the joint seminar.
im already bouncing off the walls as it is, those classes *plus* football season ... oh my, there really is nowhere else but Notre Dame.

not that i dont love it here, oh dont get me wrong, but you all know how madly in love with my school i am. *smiles blissfully*

ok other news ... i need addresses. as it is, i can send home a postcard, and my peeps at ND, but i dont have anyone elses, so yeah, you should get on sending me those.

oh yeah, congrats to catherine, i hear you've been tearing up the tennis courts. props and all that.

ok, im off to go work on a group project, hopefully ill remember what else i was supposed to put up here ...

tour

2007-03-22T19:19:00.000-07:00

so i have australian history on fridays (830 kickoff, and yes that's on purpose), and today we got an orientation thingy for our broome trip, im really excited. like, randomly yesterday afternoon, i was hanging out in the esplanade (aka: my front yard) and all of a sudden it hit me all over again.
im in australia.
IM IN AUSTRALIA.

and how cool is that?

anyways, yeah, so we're going to broome in three weeks or so. actually, we're going to the whole kimberly area, flying into broome and jeeping it from there up to the tippy top part of australia. or something like that.
its going to be amazing for a bazillion reasons, one being no time. i love that. five days of nooooo idea what time it is. cold showers, no electricity, sleeping in tents, sharing backpacks, no makeup, cell phones, mp3 players, watches, tv, radio, internet, and you get the idea
just lots of sunscreen, bottled water, hats, cameras, and things that could kill you.

but seriously, im so excited. we're going to pool our resources and buy sports equipment for this no budget, catholic aboriginal school. apparently students started doing that a couple of years ago, and now every group that goes up brings the kids stuff. all the equipment they have in their gym is from US students. so we're going to keep up the tradition.
there are 3 different groups going, basically the three different dorm things (although i've taken to calling it "the house" - "dorm" doesnt fit the feel of port lodge), and i think we're all going to bring stuff up.
im kind of nervous too though. i honestly thought that going here would be similar to being in the US, esp with the european/aboriginal relationships.
dude, i was wrong.
first off, i didnt know that the oldest recorded civilization in the world is here. i dont know, you grow up thinking everything that matters started off in the mediteranean or something, and there were random cavemen in other places, and (of course) ireland's always been on top of its game.
but the tribes here have been around since pretty much forever, and i guess the deal is that while obviously they came from somewhere, probably asia then tripped down the islands here, once they got here they stayed. im pretty sure they said that the aboriginals here are the only culture in the world to not have a story for how they got *here*
they've always been here, their oral traditions and relationship with the land is pretty much unlike anything i at least have heard of. i mean, pretty much every culture has some sort of relationship with the land/nature, but not like this.
i had no idea how hard it is to live here. (ok this is ridiculous, i pretty much want to just go on about everything i've learned so far)
after our kimberly talk, we went on a 'historical tour of fremantle' (i was supposed to be in this one group, but i snuck into the other cos i like the lecturer more ... i suppose you didnt really need to know that, oh well!), anyway, i love this guy cos he's from northern ireland, moved out here when he was a kid, grew up in sydney, and now lives here with his family and teaches history. yeah.
oh yeah! i love him because as an irish guy, he gives a sweet tour, mostly focusing on irish history.
anyways, yeah, so ... yeah, living here.
its insane. like, i get why the whole white guy/aboriginal thing is still so bad here. i mean, you hear all the stereotypes, australians treat women badly and are racists. its just because they were colonized later than the states and they're about 50 years behind us.
yeah.
no not really. it really is a completely different country here. honestly, im starting to think that things are so bad with the aboriginals because white people dont know how to live here. this isnt our country, and the majority of the aboriginal community still sees us, all europeans, as guests ... who decided to take over and run the place, and badly at that.
and this isnt some revisionist history, white person guilt ... and its not something that ive been told ... i dont know, im on the verge of beginning to understand something, but i cant formulate it yet. which is why im so excited for kimberly .... and i know and appreciate that ive only been here for five weeks, and im just trying to absorb too much and my brain is a tad fried right now, but yeah ... im starting to feel like im getting my sense of direction back, and thats a good thing.

moving on, the tour was crazy sweet. its amazing how much ive walked by every day since i got here and never really saw. like this monument to the last 62 of the last convicts deported here, just happened to be fenians. they were pretty sweet. and yeah, one of them ended up escaping, got on a whaling ship to the states, moved to chicago, and started the tribune. he has this great quote about his first sight of fremantle, from the convict ship, ill put it at the end, im offline right now. (im never going to get used to no wireless)

so what else is new ... oh yeah, i got a job.
=)

im a waitress! at this pizza place! and i have no idea how much im getting paid, how often ill work, if it sunk with the owner that im *illegal*, or what. all do know is that its a family owned italian restaurant, just down the road from port lodge, my friend trisha starts tonight, and i start tomorrow. and i have to go buy black pants cos im really smart and DIDNT PACK THEM. grr. but yeah, isnt that AWESOME. it is. oh yeah! hahaahahha, when we first walked in i just went up the counter and asked if they were hiring, "oh yeah! sure"
"great, im a study abroad student, over at notre dame"
"ok"
"umm .... so what are you looking for"
"everythings avail. you ever waitressed before?"
"um, not really"
"oh thats fine, we'll train you. how long are you here for"
"till the end of june ... "
"four months then? ok"
".... uhh, what hours are you looking for"
"oh whenever you're avail, really whenever you want"
"... um, ok *give him hours*"
"ok, well give me your phone number and name and ill give you a call in the week to let you know whats open"
"ok ... ill talk to you later then?"
"yeah! bye!"

this all went down in about five minutes. i walked out with trish, and we just look at each other "did that really just happen?"
i didnt think it could be more chill than my fish place, but yeah ... they might be given a run for thier money. on the other hand i have to wear a pseudo uniform .... although that could be whatever i wanted, as long as its black.
i love italians.

but, after my tour this morning, hearing all about the "on the waterfront" nature of fremantle (dude, this place has a cool history) , i just remembered how much i wanted to work on the docks here, or a fishing company or something. so i went straight over to the student life office afterwards, to see if they had anny ideas. they werent too bright (ive been so spoiled by myND, its crazy. i could go up to the career center, and say "i want to work on a boat" and they'd find me something. but i digress) , but once i finnish this im going to hit up the harbour and see if i can find something.
i miss my fish. =/

but yeah, so im excited to work. not only could it possibly mean moolah (im still a little skeptical that itll work out), but its a phenomenal way to meet more australians, i can wow them with my killer american customer service skills (yeah, they arent too into that here), and lets be honest. esther likes working. she's good at it. =)

my arms look really good. i hope this tan never goes away.

OH yeah. i think its prolly long out of the theatres but if at all possible, papa needs to see "Wild Hogs". its a very much esther+papa movie, along the lines of george of the jungle and dudley doright fame. i was pretty much in tears the whole time, and i was only semi tired. =D

kk, loves to all. i feel like i had more to say, so you might get really lucky and have two in one day.

oh yeah, what does everybody want from here? we were talking about that yesterday, and any suggestions would be well recieved. hee hee.

dream about those dreaming eyes

2007-03-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

sooooooo we're having a movie night next week and guess what my friend kate and i did!!!
we're watching snowy river!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*does little chair dance*

so yeah, thats cool. in other news, i went to the perth zoo and i was sweeeeet. i took lots of pictures, even though im not really a non-person picture taker, cos i figured the boys and girls would like them. so i took lots of the croc and poisioness thingys, and lots of koalas and the wombat. that should make everybody happy, no?
(ps, if you're ever in a bad mood, or just down in general, try saying 'wombat'. its great! perks me right back up =D )

im working on my presentation for my lit class. its kinda intense, we each will have to lead a tutorial, kicking it off with a 25 min lecture on our topic, then guided disscussion. geeze.
the good news is i really like the book im prestenting on (My Brilliant Career) and im even more excited about my topic. i get to talk about it and (get this) jane eyre! (in case you cant tell/didnt know, im obsessed with JE. pretty much favorite book ever.)
im going to talk about how similar they are (i think thats why i liked MBC so much), but how each in its differences epitomizes the country of origin. like, JE is such a quintisentially english book, and MBC is utterly australian. its awesome. so after talking about the two for a little while, i think im going to turn it into a 'what it is to be australian lit' by pointing out what it is not through contrast with JE. sound good?

so for my history class we have to do this group project *gag* about historical fremantle. (its not that i dont like the subject, i just hate group projects. and its not like i hate people, i just hate having to rely on four other people for a major part of my grade in the class, ya know?)
i narrowly avoided getting into a group with Creepy Kid. though it was only through being fairly rude im afraid, but seriously he cant take a hint.

i AM excited for my group for policy project though. seeing that i know nothing about politics its nice to know im not going to be totally lost. besides i was able to snag the demographics/history of east timor, and not the economy/policies/strategies bits. score!

i love my cafe more than ever now. my owner knows me and gave me free espresso today. its grrrrrreat. plus its good coffee too. i almost broke down and got food their today, its soooo tasty looking. and it smelled amazing. best burger iver ever seen.
then i remembered its friday. dangit.

kk, cant think of anything else too terribly interesting. ill go put up the zoo pix.
love you all!

oooooo

2007-03-12T04:32:00.000-07:00

ok so this is the fremantle national hotel, on the corner of high and market streets (i think), aka spitting distance from port lodge.

this is what it looks like:

pretty huh? thats what alot of old buildings look like here.

but since last night it looks like this:

yeah, dont tell mark >)

i dont know what happened or what, but this is my friend steve's picture. he was out last night with his friend who just got in, and they ran into it on the way back home.

crazy huh? why do i miss all the interesting stuff ...

so yeah, i thought that was something.

vindicated!

2007-03-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

ok, so in aus lit today we read the man from snowy river. it was AWESOME!
plus, my prof lady was all about the movie, said it captured the spirit of the ballad brilliantly, was visually beautiful, and tom burlinson ideally captured the "australian myth"
(aka, what it is to be an australian)
THUS my years of love and dozens of viewings were all for the best. so maaaaybe it would be better if i could quote lines of the ballad rather than every line of the film, but thats besides the point. ha!

im in my cafe again, this guy decided to take over the piano so the management turned off the overhead and im listening to him plink out random bach preludes. hes rather good actually.

i talked to jacquelyn today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was fantabulous. and im in a ridiculously good mood as a consequence.

check out my photosite! i dont have too many pix up yet, but will faithfully add as the spirit moves me. i stole a few from my friends just now and uploaded them. i like the ones from the plane the most.
well those and the one of me totally taking rok down. hee hee.

that one was from when we went to the beach last weekend, he told me there was no way i could ever take him down. i pointed out that my being almost 6 inches taller than him *might* be an advantage he couldnt deal with, but apparently those were just fighting words and he ended up trying to body check me to the ground. it didnt work. i ended up flipping him on his back (as documented)
it was great, he was humiliated and insisted i cheated. im still not sure how. =)

not much too report. ive been kicking it around (oooo, bach sonata now ... i cant remember which one it is, but we all played it ... or maybe its a mazurka ... [now ill stop before joseph gives me more grief]), read a book this weekend, need to read a play now and 80 pages of for. policy. blech.

oh yeah, today in security and strategies this kid suggested that america and israel were creating the war on terrorism by attacking countries (something like hezbollah only existed after everything started in lebanon (sp?), and alquaeda (dang, i really cant do that one) only started up after we attacked afghanistan). it was off topic so not discussed, but judging from the facial expressions and head nods around the room, its a general viewpoint i guess.
my point is that my parents should be proud of me, esp since i was labeled unpatriotic and anti-american all break. just because i cant stand politics doesnt make me unpatriotic you know. but yeah, my POINT is that even though i really dont care, my total reaction was to turn and say "you're kidding me right?", like even if you dont agree with the whole 'war on terror' you honestly think that terrorism only started after whatever countries went to war? or something like that. not that i said it because first i have no idea what im talking about, i just know thats not right, i dont know what is though. and second because i dont want to sound like some american on a power trip. but honestly, its a different world here.
i like their attitude to politics in general here. it has nothing to do with love of country. almost all the aussies ive met are deeply patriotic in the sense that they love australia, the physical country itself. their sense of national identity has little to nothing to do with government or politics, its a deep connection with the land and environment itself. its fascinating seeing the way european australia has come about, from the viewpoint of literature, film, theatre, politics, and history classes. so much of the 'australian identity' has to do with the convict past, seriously. that and a (probably unintentional) assimilation of some aboriginal philosophies regarding the country itself. its really intriguing, and fairly seductive, not going to lie.
like, when people talk about america with stars in their eyes, it can make sense if they come from an oppressed nation or something, the whole 'american dream' ideal. dont get me wrong i love it too, but in a way i feel like i relate more to the australian type of patriotism, instinctively at least. like, i love the NW, it has very little to do with the government or politics of the place. its a love of the landscape, an intense relationship with the culture of "what it is to be" a NWer. i think thats why ive become so enamored with the whole fishing culture, native american history, etc. it doesnt matter how liberal or conservative portland or seattle are, that has nothing to do with the land itself.
or something like that, i need to think about it more.
(the irony here [for me at least] is that its not until i come to australia that i realize that my real home is the NW. i cant help it. like i know i hate the midwest, but i just figured that was a homesickish type thing. but if im going to be at home anywhere besides the NW, its going to be here ... and i dont know, ive only been here three weeks and all, but while i still admire and love australia, its just given me the chance to see that im in love the with NW)

ok, my battery is about to die. enjoy the pix. love you all.

ac isnt all that bad

2007-02-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

my dorm doesnt have air conditioning. which makes for sweaty, oft times sleepless nights.
but i get to go to the beach everyday and swim so i suppose i dont have it that bad =)

although, as i was telling papa earlier today, yesterday this aussie guy found a blue ringed octopus out swimming in the shallows on MY beach.
he caught it, put it in a water bottle, and gave it to a couple of girls to take it back to the bio dept, cos they're really rare and he thought they probably didnt have one.
turns out he was right, they didnt have one, and were very excited about it.
im excited that there's one less deadly thing swimming out in the ocean trying to kill me
(one bite paralyzes the respiratory tract ... ew)

im pretty pumped that i know freo so well by now. as in i can walk pretty much anywhere and usually end up in the right place. and if i dont, i always know how to get back home. so yeah, thats cool.
ive discovered that while i love to go grocery shopping with mama, im not such a fan of doing it for myself. its not even that i hate spending the money on something as useless as food (when i could be doing much more important things, like surf lessons), its just so complicated!
consequently im pretty much living off of brown rice, whole wheat pasta, cottage cheese and fruit, and toast (with vegemite!).
and ive turned into a water guzzler. diet coke here is all off, it was shocking the first time i got it actually (all of three hours after arriving in freo), almost spat it out.
that cured that addiction.
fortunately my coffee addiction hasnt had to die yet. although we lack a coffee pot in the kitchen, we DO have a french press. so im all good. and the grounds i got are actually not too shabby.
there is no Starbucks here (thankfully for my budget), and i wouldnt be surprised if i when i come back home im completely off it. then its just a matter of when i start to cave again.
probably as soon as i get back to south bend.

there's this really sweet walkway on the harbour, where they have all these anchors that they dredged up from the coast right there. the things are HUGE. its pretty sweet. they have some really old wooden ones. ill take pictures and put them up later, i think the boys would really like them.
theres also a shipwreck museum about spitting distance from my dorm. i havent gone yet, not sure i want to. i love the ocean, its so beautiful, but ive always had a hard time not seeing it as a giant graveyard. its more like that at home, where its all dark and rocky and slightly intimidating. here its all blue and white beaches and reefs and prettiness, but i still kind of have that reaction.
think about it. think about how many bodies are in there. how on ships they always referred to personnel as souls.
so yeah, there's this place in freo where you can buy chandeliers from shipwrecks, and a bunch of girls were getting all excited about how that would be *so* romantic, but i find it all rather macabre.
not as bad, but almost like the whole mummies in museums thing. its a sign of death.
point is, i dont know if i want to go look at a bunch of shipwrecks. but again, i also think the boys would probably find it really cool, so i might just go to take pictures.

im paranoid about my grades here. i was told point blank there was no way i could get a 4, cos no one does, esp americans. and i realize i probably wont, and that ultimately grades dont matter etc, but the sheer impossibility of it is driving me crazy. the fact that a 3 here is pretty much the same as a 4 back home isnt going to show up on my transcript.
its also a little rough because the way they do things here, there is no core program. and you get a 3 year degree. so im in class with students in their last year, of a very very specialized degree. like the kids in my lit class are all lit majors, and completely used to the type of class. but its my first lit class in a university setting, so i feel completely idiotic. plus they kind of assume a general knowledge of australian literature, like things you would read in high school, but obviously i dont have that.
so im irritating the other abroad kids in the class by reading books not on the reading list, in an effort to catch up. its not like im trying to be an overachiever either, i just would like to feel like i have some understanding of whats being talked about, you know?

the same goes for my theatre and cinema class (dont scoff, its going to be really interesting). i general understanding of australian culture and history is going to be assumed (a major one being Aboriginal relations), and so im going to have to do alot of research there too. which is good because thats one of the major things i wanted to accomplish here, and oddly enough i think this might be the class where i get the most of it.

my foreign policy class is going to be fine i think. the prof (lecturer here) is a hoot and a half. while preposterously expensive, the required text is really small and we only have to read a chapter a week. and he's really laid back. so oddly enough (i hate poli sci classes) i think this one might be the most stress free.

i havent had either my history or my british policy classes yet. im a little afraid of them both, the british more than the others. just because it looks as boring as humanly possible. i might look into switching out, if i can find another class that i can get into. we'll see.

i look like a leper. peeling all over. gross.

things i've noticed:
1. americans really are loud and obnoxious.
ive made a concerted effort to have a more respectful voice level, esp in public. its painful being on the train or bus with the other study abroad kids, we're just SO loud.
2. 'rubbish', 'out for a tic', 'pop it in there'
i love that they actually talk the way they're "supposed to."
i havent picked up the phrases, am trying not to. dont want to be that american tool. ive even put effort into not saying no worries, which ive been saying for years. i just feel like a poser.
3. australians really are ridiculously friendly.
its true. like, some of the kids get all overwhelmed by it ("they're SO nice!"), but i was expecting it, and honestly, im used to friendly people. i think its because im from the PNW, and alot of these kids are from the east coast, where they dont have people they have vampires.
4. stephen makes killer mixes.
been listening to "stephen mix ii: the australia ed." alot. its sweeeet. thanks buddy.

what else? i dont know.
my room is completely in shape, even better now then an hour ago cos i cleaned. im really glad classes have started, i need a schedule. am thinking about getting a gym membership (i know i know), but its 140 aud for four months, a bunch of kids have memberships, and they go all the time, so i know i would actually go, and included in the membership is accessibility to classes and such, like aerobics and dance.
the downside is i dont like spending large amounts of money in one go, and its not air conditioned.
thoughts?

ok, i think thats all i got for now. im going to go make pasta and keep an eye out for Crowded House to announce their tour dates.
im not kidding, i need prayers here. if i could see CH in australia ... im not sure what exactly would happen, but i think it would involve something close to ecstasy.

love you all, some one email me already.

i told you all

2007-02-19T22:13:00.000-08:00

AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i TOLD you!!!!!!!!!!!!

i missed MUSE
in PERTH
by TWELVE DAYS

and THEN!
they go to the usa
in APRIL

I KNEW IT

im here

2007-02-19T03:21:00.000-08:00

goooood grief, this blogging thing is going to be hit and miss.

soooo, basically, im here, and life is good. really good. =)

im staying in this adorable little place called Port Lodge, its got this beautiful park in front of it (where DMB, ben harper, john mayer and a ton of other people i dont listen to but are really famous and your average college kid would love *phew* are playing), right off the park is the harbour.
oh man, i think of papa every time i go out there, its stunning. the boats all floating around (kindof like a more chill ventura), these fish and crab shacks (dont let the 'shack' fool you though, very very spendy. although, i have to say, the other day we went out to this fish and chips place on the harbour and i really didnt feel like fried fish without ketchup (yeah, they dont have complimentary ketchup, you have to pay $1.30 [ha]), so i got the prawn pasta, cos id been craving prawns (got so spoiled at work this break, what with my daily prawn ration) and it was AMAZING, i mean from the look of the place, you'd think that everything was reallllly sketch, but i mean, this stuff was amazing. a little cilantro, lemon and lime, tomato&basil sauce, spaghetti and grilled prawns .... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, besides anything from my fish place (loyalties loyalties) is was the best seafood dish of my life mmmmmmmmmmm), and as i discovered today, a mcdonalds with the best view in the world, and this fish market that was fairly decently priced (comparatively at least), or at least i think so, i need to figure out what the kilo-pound conversion is. but it had fresh shark and swordfish steaks, and it was cool.
not gonna lie, i had no idea how obsessed with seafood ive become. its rediculous. i mean, the other day i was craving prawns.
me!
prawns!

ok, sooo, ill put up pictures soon enough so you can see how glorious it all is.
(i mean, good grief! i was slightly homesickish (not really, dont worry about me, just more thinking about how great it would be if everyone lived here so i would have to describe it you could just see it yourselves) so in my looking for something that was close to home, i went for a walk on the peir, just so i could smell the fish in the markets! i LOVE fish!)
ok.
moving on.

ummm, flight out here was unreal. best airline ever. i mean, it was great. fun fun fun.
landing in sydney was utterly surreal. you'll all scoff im sure, but flying over the city, see it all, the harbour and everything, (missed the opera house, grr), it was like coming home. i know, sappy, but its true.
i was able to reign in the tears, just because it would be completely humiliating to be all crying with these ND kids i'd just met, like earning this "complete emotional wreak" label, but anyway, my point is that there was just an overwhelming sense of serenity flying in. i felt bad leaving for perth, like i out to stay a while and say hi to the city, but i know ill end up back there later, so its all good.

getting into perth and taking the bus to fremantle. that was amazing. and yeah, i did start crying, but only a little bit and no one saw and i was overtired anyways.
port lodge is all singles, my room is miniscule, but i like it. ive already got most of my pictures up, and feel completely at home.
the kids with me are great, we all seem to get along really well. besides the ND kids there are peeps from purdue, iona college (you ever heard of it?), sacred heart, and some other place i think. the main groups are the ND, UP, and St.Johns crowds, with 18, 20, and 30 over here respectively.

we have to get our own food, so im starting to appreciate mama's tallying skills in the grocery.
looks like its going to be a pasta filled semester, with a little rice for flava
and ive vowed to develop a taste for vegemite. i must.

we started orientation today, it was fairly predictable. with the fairly predictable "we're back in frosh-o" comments. tomorrow will be boring, but wednesday and thursday should be sweet.
we spend all day wed in perth, getting the lay of the land, and thursday we get to see what all the clubs and service opportunities are. and i get to find out if they really do have a women's rugby team.
=)

oh yeah! i knew there was a reason i had to post.
so the internet here is lame because skype doesnt work very well (hence not calling yet), but we're a couple of days from getting it figured out. anyways, so a few of us were wandering all over fremantle looking for an internet cafe so we could fix our skype problems. we left too late, and the cafe we were headed to was just closed, soo they refered us to this resaurant/brewery that is right on the harbour, like, a minute from port lodge, that apparently has wireless for free. of course we would end up practically going back home after walking all over the place, but it was fun so i didnt really care, the point is, this place is AMAZING. oh man papa, you would love it so much.
first off, its called "little creatures", amazing!
second, its the coolest setup ive ever seen. the chillest vibe, very very NWsty. basically its a giant warehouse, where about half is the restaurant, the other the brewery. but everything is completely open, like you can see the rafters on the ceiling, and all that. and you can watch them brew their beer, cook the food, i mean, you can see everything. plus its got a little book corner thing, catwalks, comfy couches, and what smells like really really good food. and like it goes straight out the back onto the peir, best view. and pretty much everyone who works there wears chucks.
or has dreads.
but thats besides the point, the point is, its phenomenal. and we should have somthing like it in portland, in fact, i want to take pictures and whatnot and take them to the fish place, and be like, dude if we open up a legit restaurant, this is what it needs to be. it soo would work. and they could hire dad to brew beer, and i would cook great fish, and it would be soooooo great.
plus its called little creatures!
ok, i think you get the point.
oh yeah, we were there for like an hour, trying to figure out how the interent worked. but it didnt. we could connect to the wireless, but like something was wrong with our wireless card or whatnot and we were never able to really figure it out. so we're going to the cafe tomorrow afternoon, and then hopefully i can call everyone
but MAN it would be a great fish place inspiration. will take pix.

oh yeah, did sarah tell you al i got impetigo (sp) while at TAC?
yeah.
its mostly cleared up now though, just scabby. it was a better case then the ones ive had in the past, got better way faster, to which i credit me deciding to doulbe my dose of mynocycline to fight it off. im pretty sure thats why it worked so well.
but yeah, typical.

ummmmmmm .... yeah, not much else. ive been really busy, theres alot going on and many stories already, but im bad at this writing articulation thing.
mostly the place is fabulous, i really like the people, i like my class schedule, everyone is wonderful, and ill try to write more often and thus not run the risk of leaving stuff out

kk, love you all. write more soon.

bows

2007-02-04T02:21:00.000-08:00

*and does this little dance*

cos ... *drum roll* .... i'm going to see PETE YORN!!!

ok fine, so its not that great, but its still great given that i havent been able to see ANY shows this break, and everyone and their dog is coming through AFTER i leave ... for

yeah

australia. [hee hee.]

so yeah, to wrap up, i won a couple of tix for a private session and a concert this friday, it should be fun.
boo to the gre tho, thats all i have to say about that.

other than that, news is that
AHHHHHHH!!!! mel (the CAPTAIN) is on lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or at least was for an episode.

i jumped, and did a little dance.
yeah, i'm full of them.

not much else, just been working and waiting to leave the country.
song of this break is: "you are the one" -shiny toy guns. i'm obsessed. totally obsessed.

new arcade fire album soooooon. this is exciting, for those who dont know.

typical

2006-12-01T11:43:00.000-08:00

soooo, i'm at work, streaming nrk, ladeeda, checking out what's going on in p-town, and wadaya know, in the next two weeks
snow patrol
the SHINS
PETE YORN
eric brachman
jet
TED LEO

are alllll going to be gracing my city, and wadaya know,
by the time i get home, who am i going to be able to catch???

oh yeah

incubus. and barry manilow.

wwwwhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy

[takes consolation in that radiohead and muse have not confirmed US tour dates while in AUS ... yet]

while her loyal sons are marching

2006-11-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

ive been sitting here for two hours, attempting to put in writing what the past two days have been like.

it hit me with full force yesterday afternoon, when i read this article online at work, and before i knew it, i couldnt control the tears streaming down my face.

it's unbearable to think that im never going to see zib's banner on my way to my section in the stadium; no more rediculous samardzija catches or touchdown high fives; brady's runs for first downs; zibby's returns??

after oct 15 last year, i knew it was going to be impossibly hard to let these guys go. i was a diehard ND football fan before that, of course, but since that game i have loved this class individually and intensely. the anguish i felt leaving the stadium that night was partly the pain of loss, but mostly overwhelmingly trying to grapple with the utter impotence of needing to tell each and every one of them how incredibly proud i was, and it would be impossible for me to love them more.
we bleed the same blood, and it runs blue and gold.

ever since, despite rediculous games and stupid mistakes, i still love them so much. brady, jeff, zibs, laws, landri, carlson, rhema, geoff, morton, chinedum, frome ... these are the guys i know.
i eat with them, i pray with them, i go to class with them, and on the weekend, i cheer for them like there's no tomorrow.

so i was sitting there, reading all the highlights and trying to get my mind around it. the pep rally didnt help much, the whole school loves these guys. they announce every senior individually, and they come out with their parents and have pictures taken. its a long process, and usually a little boring. but this time, i dont know, it was a little overwheming that i knew who almost every player was. we clapped and cheered for all the players, it was great. but by the time we got to the big guns (no alphabetical order here, definite higherarchy), it just got louder and louder. when zibs and samardzija were annouced, the applause lasted well after the pictures were taken. when they finally got to brady though ... before anything was even said (they introduced everyone, started off with his highschool highlights, then ran through his records here, etc), the slow clapping started, and honestly i couldnt tell you if they ever even said his name, it escalated to the most defening roar i'd ever heard in the jacc. it lasted long after he sat down.
yes i was crying. again.

i suppose you can imagine how the game was then ... here's a couple of favorite moments
-the army golden eagles (about 10 i think) paracuting into the stadium. in an interview afterwards one said the coolest thing ever was when the roaring was so loud they could feel the vibrations as they were decending
-the moment of silence for Bo Schembechler. how many times are you surrounded by 80,000+ people, and the loudest noise you hear is your own breathing.
-the jerseys. it's comforting that weis knows how much those guys deserved the recognition, and that we arent going to define the jerseys by sc.
-brady's last play. he and the rest of the first string were on the field, but got switched out in the last seconds ... i guess that's what you do, but anyway, the second string was running out, and brady just stands and turns around, looking .... i dont know where it started but before i knew it the entire stadium was chanting "brady" ... rhema raised his hand for him ... and i thought it couldnt get more emotional than 'rudy' ... it was beautiful, and i wasnt the only one losing my voice through tears.

before i knew it, the game was over. it flew by faster than most -litterally. over in about three hours. our boys joined army on the other side of the field for their alma mater, then came back to the student section. we sang the fight song, our alma mater, and when in a normal game they would leave, they just stayed.
the seniors broke off, kind of huddled up, and then took a really slow lap around the stadium.
i was suprised by how many regular attendees stayed. id be willing to say at least 50000 were there. its hard to justify how exactly i know this, but these guys weren't just going around and basking in the adoration, they were genuinely saying goodbye, and thank you. paradoxically enough, there was something gloriously humble about it all.
they were notre dame seniors, just like the other 2000 in the stands. and they didnt want to leave.
i was holding up ok, still cheering, singing the fight song, clapping, screaming, but when they got around to the student section again, it got 10x more chaotic, and when brady came running up and jumped up into our section, standing in with us all, raised his helmet and started the chant, "beat sc" ... i lost it. again.

being in that stadium is an experience. its night time, all the light from those glorious field lights, the score board lit up to say "ND 0 - SC 0" [first quarter 15:00] ... the andrenaline, defiance, love, pride.

there's no where else but notre dame, but i dont know what im going to do without them.

i suppose all i can do is wonder at the power of memory, thank God for a glorious two years, and pray the BCS knows what its doing come bowl time.

GO IRISH.

i cant think in any other terms right now

2006-11-02T10:09:00.000-08:00

read this and tell me why i hadn't heard until today

i wanted to believe it wasn't true.
some nonsense horrific blogging legend

but my dear friend molly is is cairo, and she's witnessed it herself
the stories told in that blog happened three blocks away from her apartment
she's going to try to go to a protest today
but she is very scared
please keep her in your prayers

not so comfortably numb
wondering

what kind of world do we live in, where
you go to a main news webpage, and you find stories about
reese and ryan [so sad]
bumbling politicians and their pathetic word games
go to 'world politics'
nothing
'middle east'
nothing

what kind of world do we live in, where
immortals' crying to heaven for vengence is drowned by the clamor to get elected
make money
nba predictions
gas prices georgia
be seen [hiding]
pathetic little games, distractions to keep us from truly seeing
our pathetic little lives

"we are responsible to everything, we are responsible for everything"

but no one's listening in ...

brief explanation

2006-10-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

so i got sick of not being able to put in my two cents and created this 'blog' so i can join the cross country family rants/debates/whathave you

: )

however, until i head off to AUS, posts will be few and far between ... if that.

inspiration escapes me

wrote this sometime in the first couple weeks

last days

i realize this is old news

aprrrillllllllllll

dc weekend

thursday

like transmission

brrrr

phew

old ladies and freshman football players

oops

ps

thoughts

ZOMBIE DANCE!

bloods

R A D I O H E A D

I Ran

IN RAINBOWS

hey everyone

my political compass:

Economic Left/Right: -4.62Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.51

YES

a-jad

0-4

which marvel superhero are you?

guess who!

memories

quotes

Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have alwaysbeen the two most beautiful words in the English language.henry james

hmm.

readings

herm

tac, again

salting the wound

bump dee bump, bump dee bump

Summer 2007 Tour Dates for Crowded House

ps

because i dont have anyone else to talk to ...

oh yes

recent thoughts

pirrrrraaaaattteeeeesssss

woof

watch out, this is a rant

im baaaaaaaaaacckk

the bends down under

its ok!

broome baby

ps

wheeeee!

AAAAAHHHHHHH

AAAAAHHHHHHH

humdidy the second

tour

dream about those dreaming eyes

oooooo

vindicated!

ac isnt all that bad

i told you all

im here

bows

typical

while her loyal sons are marching

i cant think in any other terms right now

brief explanation

Economic Left/Right: -4.62
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.51

Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always
been the two most beautiful words in the English language.
henry james