recent thoughts

i wrote these in my journal last thursday.
then i kept going back and thinking about them ... and i realized that i do not want to keep them for myself
they need to breathe somehow

so, apologies ahead of time if this comes across as narcissistic
that is not the intention

here they are:

[musings from lit tutorial]

you need to look death in the face to live - dessaix
"we are immortals, living in a mortal world" (lewis, i think)

-the only way to truly live life is as an immortal
and living this immortality is to be saturated with the awareness of death







if death was my reality
where would i go
who would i share it with
what are my regrets (kat's questions)

-this is supposed to be an exercises, placing yourself in the shoes of someone with a distinct expiration date
but isnt death supposed to be our reality always?
and isnt this what life is about?
making the choices of where our reality takes us
the relationships we choose to bring along our way
recognizing that although
"all things, and every manner of thing, shall be well" -dame julien/ts eliot
if we never have regrets, we are left with very little to grow from

or maybe thats wrong, there are always choices we wish we could take back
moments of repentance and reconciliation
but do we really regret them? they make you who you are
without these moments of failure, i would not be myself
to regret, to wish away different
i would be someone else
do i really want that?

O happy fall, etc






"life as a collection, not a series of splashes" -robert dessaix
narrative unity (macintyre)

the personal reality of death
a true sense of 'no regrets' while retaining contrition for wrongs done
we are not infancy, followed by childhood, adolescence, high school, university, grad school, marriage, etc
there must be unity ... uncertainty of the future, awareness of the past, our ancestors
all we know is what we are
live in this knowledge, not in fantasies of what the future brings

" Not fare well,
But fare forward, voyagers." -eliot (4Q: DS.III)







life is the journey between point A and point B ... and all the other points
it is not where we are going but how it is we get there

-its the journey







the difference between travelers and tourists
those that walk their own path and those that follow someone else's

-this is one of my favorite points from discussion.
[my Let Down moment]
the realization that this is how i think of australia
and this is what i have learned about myself
i have been a traveler and tourist for so long
but not since i have been here
this tranquility is not unique to australia or traveling abroad
its always existed, i just didnt see it ... ah!
seattle radiohead st. patricks byrd notre dame and australia
these have been mine
my travels







"hope is the certainty of Bliss" -night letters
that Bliss does exist, and we have the means to attain it

-of course. straight up baltimore cat
ive just become enamored with the word
Bliss
i think its an idea of which all of us are aware
and some to achieve bliss
but Bliss
this word makes the moments where
"the prospect of eternity becomes momentarily unbearable"
beautiful







"if life is to be beautiful
time must be transfigured" -night letters
not everything is linear

-beauty exists in the present
history ancestry culture
and the reality of death

lewis, macintyre come to mind again

" It seems, as one becomes older,
That the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence—
Or even development: the latter a partial fallacy
Encouraged by superficial notions of evolution,
Which becomes, in the popular mind, a means of disowning the past." -eliot (4Q: DS.II)







where does religion fit?
the difference between organized religion and spirituality

-the books we are discussing are very spiritual
but reject organized religion
why?

the disjunction between separate unique paths
and following the train tracks ... the path of a dogma

-we are to be wild and wandering
not lemmings running to a social cliff
but religion, dogma is a paved road, isnt it?
(this is how they see it, and i realized, subconsciously, i had too)

how to reconcile?
everything said so far seems so true, so real
and it could basically be a commentary on the Four Quartets (thats what i was thinking at least)
so it MUST be true
but how do you travel
on a highway full of rush hour traffic

then i realized

[and this is my revelation]

the Faith is not a train track
not a paved road with signs

Faith

Faith is the hand
to pull you up when you stumble
while off the beaten path
of a best friend reminding you
who you are in a crowded street
of the lover mutually experiencing
the solitary beauty of a moonlit beach

Faith is not the travel [tourist] guide
she is the companion



"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

-eliot (4Q: LG.V)






who could have predicted that my australian literature class would help me live the four quartets and radiohead?





it barks at no-one else but me
like it's seen a ghost
i guess it's seen the sparks a'flowin
no one else would know

hey man, slow down, slow down, slow down

--radiohead, the tourist




EDIT: i realize that this isnt terribly well written or anything revolutionary
in fact, its all fairly obvious
its just when i have a harder than usual *duh* headslap
i get excited
and like to share
especially when it all comes down to eliot
... the four quartets continue to amaze and humble me