herm

well, no need to talk about the game.
we were terrible, awful. i cant talk and it was all for nothing.
but as one of my friends pointed out, it could be worse
we could be michigan

other than the obvious than, its been wonderful being back at school
completely insane, im going to die from reading and no sleep
but all of my classes are phenomenal
i adore my profs
and the final for aquinas' philosophical theology is going to be a major paper on finding God in 'the end of the affair'
God bless john o'callaghan

what i really wanted to talk about though, was something that struck me yesterday by the lakes

i was sitting on one of the benches, mentally preparing for the pep-rally (badin hosted), and was vacantly admiring the way the sun sparkled on the water when i remembered a conversation i had with mom a few weeks ago
i was trying to explain why i find it so amazing that everything can be explained in semi-scientific ways, like sunsets and rainbows and starfish-you know, there are reasons why they are as beautiful as they are, and in order to function properly, its necessary that the result be beautiful
(at the time i was trying to think of reasons for dinosaurs existence - mom was saying that it should be enough that they existed simply to instill wonder and amazement at creation, but im still convinced there's more too it ... i dont know why, probably something to do with beauty always being a sign of some larger truth ... i dont know)
anyways
it just hit me in a very intense way, looking at the sunlight on the water, that i know exatly why it looks the way it does, with the constantly moving water because of the slight breeze and ducks floating around, the sky being absolutely clear, and spotty memories from chemistry about light and reflection and angles and whatnot, and if water must be all reflecty and shimmering-otherwise it wouldnt be able to serve its purpose of pretty much maintaining life on earth, and that without the light from the sun and the heat and chlorophyll and all that again, we pretty much wouldnt have life
so its necessary and all understandable and pretty dang cool
but you know, obviously God could have made the world any old way He wanted, but He made it so that it is just absolutely beautiful
in and of itself, the water and the sun and the lake was amazing. it was like sequins and happiness and i could have (and did) stare at it for a very long time
and i thought about how if i had my camera with me, i wouldnt take a picture
and i FINALLY understood why really, i dont like taking pictures of beautiful things
because they are never, ever as beautiful as the real thing
but mostly, because it somehow implies that *this* is more beautiful than by what we are normally surrounded

and really, we should be in awe constantly. and i think its a failing of mine, at least, that i do judge some natural things to be more beautiful than others
my sunset in broome for instance
at the time, and if im honest with myself, still, i consider it to be the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen
but that we because it was so spectacular, and unusual, and in such a unique and utterly new setting, i think i was more attracted to the novelty of it
i forget to realize that things i have grown up with, and have become totally desensitized to, are really just as beautiful
like grass, and leaves, and heavy grace of pine trees.
we are always surrounded by beauty
campuses like TAC and ND make it easier to recognize this
but even in cities, where there is little to no nature left
and you are in a ghetto and there are no beautiful artifacts
there are still people, and to me this is the greatest tragedy
the most beautiful thing you can ever be around on this earth is another human being
"immortals living in a mortal world"
and yes, there are bad people, and many will end up in hell
but we are given the means to aid as many as we can
we are able to help each other

and then i started to think about how the catholic conception of hell is beautiful
in its own way
that frpaul sermon about how no one is in hell who doesnt want to be there
and God damns no one, but loves us so much that if at the end of times that is what we are asking for, and despite how much it pains Him, He will send us there

then i started thinking about how that is the only way to think about hell and have it be anywhere palatable really (for me ... and i still have my issues at times ...), and that is because it is the only way of thinking about hell in terms of beauty
and in a way it is beautiful
so in a way i believe that it is true

and all the arguments i used to get into with rob about how i cannot believe anything on faith f it isnt beautiful, and that beauty is truth
and truth beauty

and dante
and eliot




then i went to the peprally and was all happy and then went to the game and was NOT happy
and this probably doesnt make any sense but just kinda me going off on random things i go off on
but it made more sense yesterday, i promise
(im just back in my bad-esther-habits and at the moment have a hard time seeing anything as beautiful after the revolting debacle of a game we all witnessed this afternoon)


but yeah
felt like writing about it

and to conclude thoughts from yesterday, i remembered my favourite quote from American Beauty ... possibly my favourite movie quote ever, and thus will end on a major cliche
(knowing that dad at least (dont know if mom watched it) will prolly get mad at me because i know you hate it)



"relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain"

...beauty flows through me like rain

and thats why i dont like taking pictures




ps: happy birthday catherine =)