memories

how long do you mourn before it is time to move on?
yesterday ginna was really frustrated because there was not an all-school campus mass at the basilica scheduled for today
i tried to soothe her, pointing out that it has been six years after all, and at some point we need to move on, we dont memorialize pearl harbour still after all

then i woke up this morning at 845, i lay in bed for a minute thinking about how i really didnt want to wake up, and eventually noticed in my sleepdrugged state that the bell of the basilica was ringing, slowly, like it does when there is a funeral on campus
at first i was confused, then i remembered the date, and was even more confused and irritated because i thought at first they got the time wrong - it was 546am that the towers were hit
and 630am when i found out -i wont ever forget that

of course, then i realized that im on the east coast for time ... it actually was right

so i lay in bed for 10 minutes, listening to the bells
noticing that the light at that time is so beautiful
and that six years ago it was another perfect beautiful day
until new york, dc, and pittsburgh became hells

i hate thinking about 9/11 and i still cannot watch footage from the 11th -13th
but listening to those deep slow bells, i couldnt help it
and tears flooded back with the memories

so when i got to the dining hall for breakfast, opened up the campus paper, and saw nothing
absolutely nothing
i became enraged

this country has started to either ignore the day, or turn it into the official anti-war day
i hate that people use today to push the war, or cry out against it

for me, this is still a day of mourning
-not to be contaminated with political agendas-
i, myself, have not moved on
and am still deeply bothered by memories of six years ago
i watched tv all day long
and before they fell i watched human beings jumping out of burning towers
a nation watched them fall like rag dolls
it was the most horrific thing i had, and have, ever seen
and we saw people become buried alive when the second tower fell

i was a country length away, but i was there
and i couldnt do anything
and that impotence stays with me still as i wonder how long will i have to mourn before i can heal from that

and i know that if i feel this way, millions of others must as well.
the towers were not landmarks for me
i have never even seen the pentagon
ive never walked in the fields outside of pittsburgh

no one i know died.


but this day is an agony, and my own school does nothing
nothing besides a peace rally/prayer service by the war memorial
and they dont even want peace
not true Peace
they want to make a statement

they want their voices to be heard

and i dont know how to deal with that
how can you want to speak,
when hearing is drowned in the cacaphony of 2,819 voices crying out to heaven

3,015 children who lost a parent


no, we are not ready to forget
like it or not, we are still, deeply, in mourning
i guess in a way, we do and always have "moved on"
keep going
... so i dont know when enough is enough
when it is appropriate to stop the memorials
not anytime soon for me
as a nation?
no, its still too near ... perhaps by the time the last firefighter who risked his life has passed on
perhaps then
for myself, when i can watch the towers fall and keep it together
maybe


for the now though

In paradisum deducant te Angeli; in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem. Chorus angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere æternam habeas requiem.

-we, who are undefeated
because we have gone on trying ...