thursday

today has been a good day.
after staying up till ridiculous hours working on the second of three OC paper
i got up, went to a meeting
got to the DH, had an AMAZING wrap i made myself (spinach tortilla, layer of guac, one slice swiss cheese, four strips of fake looking bacon, at least half a tomato (sliced), a handful of baby spinach, all topped with bbq sauce, wrapped up tight and grilled)
went over the paper again
met up with brian to talk about the philosophical elements of paper, ended up having a nice conversation/fight
met up with ginna to talk about the grammatical elements of the paper, ended up looking at pictures/being silly
dropped off paper after refraining to drip blood all over it from my paper cutted finger
talked to mom, thought about gingerbread men
enjoyed greg making lasagna for ginna and myselfj
invited more people over and had a few rounds of progressive gin, aka: The Best Card Game EVER
good was really good, enjoyed baked goods ginna's mom sent over as her advent calendar
then most people left
ginna stayed with me as a i baked six lbs of cookies (thats a long story - basically i guilted my friend teddy into buying cookie dough to benefit operation smile, but with the condition that i bake them for him. so i am, he just stopped by actually, and praised my skills ... meanwhile i have to fend off all these lost freshmen who come wandering into the kitchen in search of fresh cookies, explaining that they arent really mine to give away ... they all look confused)
and now im baking cookies, writing this, but really studying plato

and its snowing outside, and there are white lights everywhere and poinsettias on the table
and the bells on the door outside keep ringing as people step in and out

like transmission

i was incredibly out of it at the library today
aftereffects of the GRE leaving me really tired combined with donating what looked like alot of blood equals a really sore arm on a dizzy esther

however, i did come up with the idea to classify things i want to do, and if i were to do them, how i would go about it (these are not ordered)

counseling: IPS for master's in gen psch and then PsyD in clinical, end up somewhere in the seattle area talking to people

law: tulane for JD, focusing on who knows what but right now corporate law (end up working for catholic charities or non-profit of some sort), or maritime (because it sounds fun and international)

education: pick up math classes somewhere in NW while working, apply somewhere for masters in education, teach high-school math at a preppy private school to pay off loans, then bounce around the world indefinitel

business: ND (one of the better two year MBA programs for non-business majors), and either take over fish place or some non-profit

medicine: pick up the sciences somewhere, then try to get into UW or OHSU if looking for an MD; OR look into a masters in public health from tulane, from a management standpoint or somesuch, and try to get with the red cross or something

philosophy: the new oxford program for a MS in ancient and medieval, focus on greek and consq Plato, come back to ND and be Sayre's protege while getting PhD, then find somewhere to hole up and devote life to theatetus and parmenidies

random: IPS for masters in gen psych, pick up classes in some language, work for the state department, become diplomat

random#2: IPS for psych, work as a professional negotiator/go to liaison type

life: go back to sydney, live in a hostel while working under the table and pay off loans, move to manchester, work as an undertaker, and figure out life



... thoughts?

brrrr

so the pope has to be a sort of PR person, right? like he cant just say whatever he feels like, he needs to tread carefully etc. of course, he has the Holy Spirit on his side in a slightly more tangible way then your average being, but still ...

if you're a tenured professor, you can pretty much say whatever you want. you dont need to be quite as judicious, unless you are extremely aware of the impact you have on your students, and this is something i think macintyre appreciates. i honestly dont think he ever says anything that he doesnt throughly believe to be true

so if it came to a philosophical difference between mac and JPII, and you just had to accept one or the other ... who would you go with?
not a matter of faith, but intense philosophy.

just a question.


ps

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAC!!!!!

phew

when you dont write for ages, the thought of starting up again can be daunting

i was going to do a thanksgiving post, but obviously didnt
it was really nice
i woke up earlyish, went to the DH with allison and christene
food was good, kids were cute, it was all very nice
then i spent about 4 hours on the phone, grandma, home, marmar, patch, jacquelyn, etc.
my favourite part was being curled up on my bed
lights off, heavy snow falling outside, heater on
cup of tea and an episode of supernatural

ahh .... it was nice

hung out with my friend mike gerardi for a little bit, watching the SC/ASU game, talking about football in general

i really like football. like, really like it.
glad we went out the way we did. stanford was a messy game, but hilarious
and anything that makes zibby smile ... well, odds are ill be happy too

[ps tavita pritchard? anyone? why dont WE get samoan quarterbacks?]


last night was nice too, diana came over from chicago, she and i stayed up late cutting out snowflakes ...
badin is psycho decorated, the phrase "looks like christmas threw up in here" might have been used, oddball decorations, bedraggled tinsel, broken lights held up with blue painting tape ... its pretty classic


well, i should go to class ... its why im here after all
speaking of, there's this guy in a couple of my classes, who never reads and skips all the time
and i get that if its a required class that you really really dont want to be in (poli sci for ex), why waste time going if you can learn it on your own and sped more time studying for the classes you want
but when you're a senior, everything you're taking is because you allegedly want to be there ... why do you skip? why do you NEVER read?
conversation at breakfast (circ 9am):
(im sitting by myself, with the NYtimes, very happy, quiet, enjoying my eggs)
guy *throws down tray* "hey!"
me " ... hi"
"mind if i join you?!"
" ... whatever ... im not a morning person fyi"
"oh ... neither am i ... this is the earliest ive been up since before fall break!"
"why"
"oh i had class"
" ... makeup time?"
"oh no, its at 8"
"every week"
"yup, its my favourite too. i love it so much."
" .... but you havent been since fall break?"
"yeah, i just cant get up"
" ... yet this is your favourite class"
"yeah, its really sad, i wish i could go more"
"you just dont bother to get up. seriously."
"yeah .... "
"wow" *go back to paper*
"oh, you probably think im a terrible person ... you must study all the time"
"not really, no. i do the reading and go to class though"
*looks all sad* "i know i know. ive wasted my college time. im a waste"

i didnt bother consoling him.
dont interrupt my breakfast.

old ladies and freshman football players

so i was just in the restroom in the library, fixing my hair when this ancient vietnamese woman came in and started making conversation about what a beautiful day it was. very cheerful.
then i left and she was behind me so i held the door open for her (she barely came up to my chest, tiny tiny), and she looks up with this wide smile and says "have a nice life!"
it was really nice.

then i looked into a classroom on my way back to work, and saw my new football boyfriend ... what a great day.

oops

yeah, so about my icon.
its minotaur, and its crying because its going to be killed by theseus... maybe

its from the album artwork of Amnesiac
a labyrinthine work, entered at one's own risk

?


[just a possibility]

ps

6. my "Jew thing" (as one friend so delicately put it)

7. Absolute Obsession with kierkegaard (hee hee). i wrote a thingy in my last class because nieman "silenced" me, basically saying that i talked all the time and he was going to force other people to. it was frustrating, i had a lot to say. so i wrote this thingy, and titled it (keep in mind, i never title anything) "poetical fragments"
i really enjoyed that.

thoughts

here i am going to list things that i want to think about outloud, do not have the time at the moment, but do not want to forget.
im putting them out in the open because im more likely to follow through this way, and i really do want to figure these out

1. the library is seriously considering phasing out bookplates, and listing all donor information online. my immediate reaction was "NO", and i had to spent about 15min explaining to my boss why, at the same time figuring it out for myself.
i basically ended up saying that the libraries owe the time and effort to the donors and even if they dont consciously notice them, its important for the students to see them
her first reaction was "oh yeah ... maybe later in life they'll remember and they'll donate too"
but thats not it, in fact i think thats a terrible reason. i want it to be non utilitarian ... more like the libraries setting an example for the students, than trying to put subliminal messaging out there.

2. section A of the nytimes. im obsessed. i actually dont like eating with people anymore, i look forward to sitting in a corner reading.
ive noticed that i scan headlines, and the ones im most likely to stop and read have to do with Iran, China, the Congo, or major businesses merging.
which is redic because im the token politics hater in the family, and i REALLY hate business.
know your enemies?

3. how i feel about life terms for juveniles. did you know that the US was the only country in the whole UN that advocates life sentence without the option of parole for juvies? why is that?
i dont know how i feel ... my head says that they should get a second chance, my gut (sry mom) says that they shouldnt.

4. we potentially need to create subdivisions of "minor." rape is evil and vicious no matter what, obviously. but there has to be a concrete difference in raping a 17 year old and a 3 year old (some guy who raped a 3 yearold girl and videotaped it four years ago got caught yesterday). i dont know. something about child molesters.
im mentally opposed to the death penalty ... but anyone who does anything to a child like that deserves to be impaled and fed to the harpies.

5. i love the dali lama.

ZOMBIE DANCE!

if you want to laugh really REALLY hard, look up pitchforkmedia's review of in rainbows.
i was in tears, silently, because there are a ton of people studying around me.

i also discovered that if andy samberg is in something, im going to laugh really hard. even if it is just him punching people right before they eat something.
i think he's samardzija's lost twin.

i feel like i have had nothing to say for a while.
i read the NYtimes every breakfast ... almost always rip out some article.
but im left all blergh. maybe its cos currently my sinuses are filled with blood.

maybe im devoting my subconscious to figuring out what on EARTH im going to do for the OC's aquinas paper. grrr.


oh well, there'll always be youtube and snl digital shorts.


[live your dreams!!!!]

bloods

yeah, so i was getting ready for bed, cleaning up etc
perhaps cleaned my ears with a non-earcleaning cottony stick thing
perhaps felt a slight discomfort, nothing to worry about
and after noticed that cottony stick thing is all bloody
and my ear feels wet

yeah, so i googled "bleeding ear"
not too much to do, positive the ear drum is intact, but thought maybe there was some reason for it
like, i didnt/dont feel a pain, i have no idea what happened

but once i saw "viral hemorrhagic fever" on the list of possible causes
i stopped looking


so yeah, other than that im fine
maybe i have ebola, but as far as a i know
im fine


*brrrr*

R A D I O H E A D

its here. i woke up at 6:55am to listen to the world radio premier streamed online from london.
ive listened to it 3x so far ... im not sure what to think, where it falls on the radiohead rateometer
been talking to my friend sean all morning online about it, compare/contrast
i think its brilliant
im going to put it on my mp3 player
listen to it all day
but yes ... and videotape may be one of the most beautiful songs ... ever

I Ran

i think im in love with andy samberg.
and as i predicted, i am the ONLY person who even likes Hot Rod, let alone is OBSESSED here


but yeah:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=UnpNkPCcfBM&mode=related&search=

[trust me]

IN RAINBOWS

from deadairspace.com

Hello everyone.

Well, the new album is finished, and it's coming out in 10 days;

We've called it In Rainbows. (http://www.inrainbows.com)

Love from us all.

Jonny

**********

i found out from iain about 20minutes after he found out, we freaked out mutually for a little bit, then parted ways to spread the good news.
a subdued stevo knows, told marmar, was going to call home but gerd called right then, and so i informed him as well

ive been writing notes, and posting and pretty much telling anyone i can think of
this is the best news since ... well, since a LONG time, and im am STOKED

its going to be phenomenal, absolutely glorious beautiful
ive stopped shaking
but
i feel like im glowing



rain after the longest drought
rain
rain brings rainbows


["In Rainbows" -Radiohead, released October 10, 2007]

hey everyone

take this!


http://www.politicalcompass.org/

my political compass:

Economic Left/Right: -4.62
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.51

i still dont get what it means, but im somewhere near gandhi ... it probably would have helped if i knew anything about globalization probably. and some of the questions are weirdly phrased and such, but it is funny, esp when they place current world leaders

aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight im out

YES

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl 68% Spider-Man 65% Green Lantern 65% Hulk 65% Superman 60% The Flash 60% Iron Man 60% Robin 58% Wonder Woman 53% Batman 40% Catwoman 30%

Lean, muscular and feminine. Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz




i finally found a superhero quiz where im a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!
and supergirl at that, aweeesome

a-jad

yeah, i read pretty much everything in usa today, the ny times, and nro on the shindig at colombia.
what a mess.

however, what struck me most was this quote from usa today:

"In 1933, there was a fascist called Adolf Hitler," said Rachmael Benhaim, a 40-year-old psychologist from Queens who took time off from work to participate in the rally. "If people had protested against him, 6 million Jews would be alive … and World War II would not have happened. The lesson we learned is people have to come out and protest before things happen."


protesting ... our culture and its pathetic obsession with protesting

of course, i had this in mind:

"the self assertive shrillness of protest arises because the facts of incommensurability ensure that protesters can never win an argument; the indignant self-righteousness of protest arises because the facts of incommesurability ensure equally that the protesters can never lose an argument either. hence the utterance of protest is characteristically addressed to those who already share the protesters' premises. the effects of incommensurability ensure that protesters rarely have anyone else to talk to but themselves. this is not to say that protest cannot be effective; it is to say that it cannot be rationally effective and that its dominant modes of expression give evidence of a certain perhaps unconscious awareness of this."


yeaaaaaahhhhhhh macintyre.

0-4

putting sharpley in at the fourth ... we might as well have screamed "WE QUIT" to the world

i dont mind losing, i mean i hate it, but i can live
but giving up?

ive never felt more defeated in my life
we kept it together and could have done it

we're a young team, its going to be hard and we have a really rough schedule
they were ok, not great but ok

our coach gave up on us.
the team deserves more than that
the student section deserved WAY more

he gave up on all of us.

how can you know if virtue can be taught if you do not even know what virtue is?

Continued dialogue. Conversation. Sustained dialogue. Nothing.

we sit amongst ourselves and wax poetic on the evils and pitfalls of the modern world.
in the safety of our circles of friends, we conspire and dream.
how are we going to change the world
what everyone else is doing wrong
abortion
euthanasia
global warming
sexual violence
republicans democrats conservatives liberals psycho crazy deluded perverse evil

the labels we bestow upon ourselves and others keep us safe
protected by definition and absolutes, we do not need to look farther
we have the answers.
we know whats wrong and what is right

self definition
years decades centuries epochs of definitions continually constricting
incommensurability

divides that once were no more than scratches have deepened
the jugular is almost cut and western culture is bleeding to death

everything must be broken down
back to basics
before our wound can be healed


this healing cannot be forced
incommensurability must not be, cannot be destroyed through violence
arguments
hatred
suffering

[mutually assured destruction]

it must be overcome in love

we cannot know how to overcome it, without fully understanding it
we cannot fully understand it while simultaneously aggravating it
isolating ourselves
private dialogue

no matter how long your reach, this chasm is wider
if we do not first reach out to each other
we will fall off the cliff and join in the bloodbath

joined hands and minds


until we can find something so precious
so important
so beloved by all
that the risk of falling is worth the attempt to grasp

the chasms become deeper
the fall more devastating
and that unspeakable something, almost invisible the distance is so wide
will not only be passed over in silence
it will never be shown
it will fade into nothing




it must be shown


how


what is beloved by all
what is sought by all

the good life for man is a life spent in seeking the good life

the heart of Christianity lies in solidarity, not solitude


we must seek together
all
humanity

until the day the cherished something is not what unites us
we no longer reach out for ourselves
risking our lives to the fall
we reach past and aid our brother in grasping it as well
and to catch him if he slips along the way

which marvel superhero are you?

created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as The Hulk, The product of a science experiment gone awry, Bruce Banner turns into the unstoppable green monster the "Hulk" whenever his temper rises. The more angry he gets, the stronger the Hulk becomes. Bruce travels the world, hoping to find a cure for the Hulk and bring his life back to normal. However, he often has to become the Hulk to save those he loves when danger threatens.

The Hulk

90%

Blade

80%

The Punisher

80%

Elektra

75%

Wolverine

70%

The Invisible Girl

70%

The Human Torch

65%

Cyclops

60%

Storm

60%

The Thing

55%

Mr. Fantastic

50%

Daredevil

50%

Spider-Man

40%



***********

i love this, apparently im a very angry person, cos im almost the punisher AND wolverine, and im prettymuch not spiderman at all.
was all, dangit, not batman? but yeah, i dont think he's marvel. in fact, he's DC

i think all in all i like DC more than marvel. i think.
i should look into it.







that's pretty sweet tho, huh.

guess who!

ok, the guy who's in both, right and left respectively. who does he look like?
hint: his initials are m.w. and he plays the organ and likes taking pictures of marmar

YEAH

so, obviously mark is somehow related to TEARS FOR FEARS (my newish obsession) and they are english and so is he and they're both musical and its so totally true.
i was very excited when i discovered this.


im also excited because i found a sweet, very rare, VERY cheap, TFF poster on ebay, and i got it for myself.
my room is looking gooood.

ok. im off.

you should listen to "woman in chains" -tff. youtube it or something.

ALSO, you know my pseudo friend "crowded house guy" that i IM with from time to time? well, he sent me some stuff from one of his friend's bands. it is brilliant. im truly obsessed. AND, they are touring with this ND grad right now, who puts on great shows, and they're coming to chicago in three weeks and im SUPER pumped. cos im going with christene and some of her crowd.
yeah, its been a good weekend.

memories

how long do you mourn before it is time to move on?
yesterday ginna was really frustrated because there was not an all-school campus mass at the basilica scheduled for today
i tried to soothe her, pointing out that it has been six years after all, and at some point we need to move on, we dont memorialize pearl harbour still after all

then i woke up this morning at 845, i lay in bed for a minute thinking about how i really didnt want to wake up, and eventually noticed in my sleepdrugged state that the bell of the basilica was ringing, slowly, like it does when there is a funeral on campus
at first i was confused, then i remembered the date, and was even more confused and irritated because i thought at first they got the time wrong - it was 546am that the towers were hit
and 630am when i found out -i wont ever forget that

of course, then i realized that im on the east coast for time ... it actually was right

so i lay in bed for 10 minutes, listening to the bells
noticing that the light at that time is so beautiful
and that six years ago it was another perfect beautiful day
until new york, dc, and pittsburgh became hells

i hate thinking about 9/11 and i still cannot watch footage from the 11th -13th
but listening to those deep slow bells, i couldnt help it
and tears flooded back with the memories

so when i got to the dining hall for breakfast, opened up the campus paper, and saw nothing
absolutely nothing
i became enraged

this country has started to either ignore the day, or turn it into the official anti-war day
i hate that people use today to push the war, or cry out against it

for me, this is still a day of mourning
-not to be contaminated with political agendas-
i, myself, have not moved on
and am still deeply bothered by memories of six years ago
i watched tv all day long
and before they fell i watched human beings jumping out of burning towers
a nation watched them fall like rag dolls
it was the most horrific thing i had, and have, ever seen
and we saw people become buried alive when the second tower fell

i was a country length away, but i was there
and i couldnt do anything
and that impotence stays with me still as i wonder how long will i have to mourn before i can heal from that

and i know that if i feel this way, millions of others must as well.
the towers were not landmarks for me
i have never even seen the pentagon
ive never walked in the fields outside of pittsburgh

no one i know died.


but this day is an agony, and my own school does nothing
nothing besides a peace rally/prayer service by the war memorial
and they dont even want peace
not true Peace
they want to make a statement

they want their voices to be heard

and i dont know how to deal with that
how can you want to speak,
when hearing is drowned in the cacaphony of 2,819 voices crying out to heaven

3,015 children who lost a parent


no, we are not ready to forget
like it or not, we are still, deeply, in mourning
i guess in a way, we do and always have "moved on"
keep going
... so i dont know when enough is enough
when it is appropriate to stop the memorials
not anytime soon for me
as a nation?
no, its still too near ... perhaps by the time the last firefighter who risked his life has passed on
perhaps then
for myself, when i can watch the towers fall and keep it together
maybe


for the now though

In paradisum deducant te Angeli; in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem. Chorus angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere æternam habeas requiem.

-we, who are undefeated
because we have gone on trying ...

quotes

picture of the day:(down is the new up, don't ya know)

so
im supposed to be looking up "motivational" quotes for this post board that people put the names of people who did nice things for them in the library. im finding it harder than it should be, seeing that i cant stand most things that are used motivationally. or just quotes in general like, i just looked up a bunch by eliot, and there are so many there that sound all deep and catchy by themselves, but knowing where they come from and their context, its so ridiculous that they've been quotized "humankind cannot bear very much reality" does that make ANY sense outside of context? does it? stupid. anyways, as i go on, im going to throw ones up here that catch my eye, but probably wont be too motivational : -O

"it's strange that words are so inadequate. yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words."
ts eliot

(unless you're lord peter)

"because philosophy arises from awe, a philosopher is bound in his way to be a lover of myths and poetic fables. poets and philosophers are alike in being big with wonder."
sir thomas aquinas

(sir! SIR!! gotta love stupid people.)

"i wonder anybody does anything at oxford but dream and remember, the place is so beautiful. one almost expects the people to sing instead of speaking. it is all like an opera."
yeats

(i dont care if he was a neo-pythagorea pantheist. im in love with yeats)

"the earth laughs in flowers."
ee cummings

(this made me think of mama)

Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always
been the two most beautiful words in the English language.
henry james

(summer afternoon or cellar door ... gotta say, summer afternoon)


aaannnnnnddddddd!!!!!! just so you know, these are the ones i picked out for the post board thingy after four hours of searching ... well, with frequent breaks to look up grad school information, and desperately trying to find an appropriate radiohead quote, which of course failed, but wouldnt it have been hysterical? so i settled for finding apropos thingys from people i love instead, and some i dont even know but looked cliche enough:

“For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.”
T. S. Eliot

“There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds.”
Gilbert K. Chesterton

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
Michelangelo

”And say my glory was I had such friends.”
William Butler Yeats

“The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.“
e. e. cummings

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

Dale Carnegie

"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is exhilarating; there is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather."-- John Ruskin

"The kindest thing you can do for the people you care about is to become a happy, joyous person." Brian Tracy

"A good laugh is sunshine in a house." William Makepeace Thackeray

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but reveal to
them their own." Benjamin Disraeli

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." -- Carl W. Buechner

"Be kind and merciful. Let no one ever come to you without coming away better and happier."

Mother Theresa

“Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.”

George Eliot

“No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnal face.”
John Donne

“Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected”

Ghandi

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

J. R. R. Tolkien

"Now is our chance to choose the right side. God is holding back to give us that chance. It won't last forever. We must take it or leave it."

C.S. Lewis

“What would the world be, once bereft of wet and wildness? Let them be left. O let them be left, wildness and wet; Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet.”

Gerard Manley Hopkins

“One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man's laugh before you know anything of him, you may confidently say that he is a good man.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

“In faith and hope the world will disagree, but all mankind's concern is charity. .”

Alexander the Great

“The love of heaven makes one heavenly.”

Shakespeare

i am AWESOME. i have alexander the great [!], hopkins, eliot, lewis, and yeats.

plus, i hope you caught how random that tolkien quote is. im going to print it off very small, put it in a corner, and see if anyone notices.

!!!

hmm.

see, this is why gerard butler is one of the sweetest actors in hollywood. he can be a dad, a tortured misunderstood artiste, just gorgeous, OR leonitus ... that takes talent

meanwhile, my love clive owen is opening on friday in "shoot em' up" ... i have no idea what its about or if its supposed to be good, but ill find out soon enough, hee hee.


so guess what i did today (right now im in the library "working"). i woke up, wanted to die because my throat hurt so much, but HAD to get up because the library is doing this photoshoot thing with pictures of students and i was pretty much the only one they could recruit.
it wasnt until after the fact that i realized that not showering was probably not a good choice, but honestly, it was hard enough getting out of bed.
turns out the photoguy's sidekicklady was from portland, that was fun.
its hot, that was not fun.

bu now im upstairs, looking up cool pictures of random people im in love with, and wondering if ill ever make it to scotland

meanwhile i should get on the GREs. ew.

readings

i told mom i would keep her up to date on what im reading
so far:

macintyre: just randomness from the Summa Contra Gentiles
plato: the first two chapters of sayre's book on plato, which is GREAT, and im going to make stevo and mom read once im done with it; and the meno
socrates, nietzsche, and kierkegaard (SKN): the aplology and phaedo so far
mysticism: a couple of henry james lectures, and clement of alexandria's stromateis book vii
aquinas: question 1 ST; and two excerpts from two books by ratzinger, which were AMAZING
i couldnt even handle it (intro to christianity chapt 3-4, and principles of catholic theology, chapt 1)

these are some random quotes i got all obsessed with:

"the exponents of neoplatonic philosophy went a step farther, by interpreting myth ontologically, expounding it as symbolic theology and thus trying via interpretation to reconcile it with the truth. but that which can go on existing only through interpretation has in reality ceased to exist. the human mind rightly turns to the truth itself, not to what by means of devious interpretation can be shown to be reconcilable with the truth, though no longer containing any truth itself."

HA. take that "weeellllll if you look at it this way it looks like God is actually saying "some men" when He says, 'all men' ..... " people


" 'not to be encompassed by the greatest, but to let oneself be encompassed by the smallest - that is divine'. the boundless Spirit who bears in Himself the totality of Being reaches beyond the "greatest", so that to Him it is small, and He reaches into the smallest, because to Him nothing is too small ... to Him who as Spirit upholds and encompasses the universe, a spirit, a man's heart with its ability to love, is greater than all the milky ways in the universe."


"we unthinkingly assume that pure thought is greater than love, while the message of the Gospel, and the Christian picture of God contained in it, corrects philosophy and lets us know that love is higher than mere thought. absolute thought is a kind of love; it is not unfeeling idea, but creative, because it is love."


"the highest possibility of Being no longer seems to be the detachment of him who exists in himself and needs only himself. on the contrary, the highest mode of Being includes the element of relationship. it is hardly necessary to say what a revolution it must mean for the direction of man's existence when the supreme Being no longer appears as absolute, enclosed autarchy but turns out to be at the same time involvement, creative power, which creates and bears and loves all things ..."


"the highest power is demonstrated as the calm willingness completely to renounce all power; and we are shown that it is powerful, not through force, but only through the freedom of love, which, even when it is rejected, is stronger than the exultant powers of earthly violence."





and then he goes into mathematical beauty and then the most beautiful discourse on freedom and the incalculability of the world, and im not kidding by the end, i was freaking out and all THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING EVER!!!!!!!! and then i had to go read clement (by had to go, mean still have to), and it just is NOT cool comparatively (he's all gnostic and foolishness)
so
you should read it
so you can enjoy it too

(the BEST part is that tomorrow i get to hear dr o'call lecture on it ... =D )

ok

night

herm

well, no need to talk about the game.
we were terrible, awful. i cant talk and it was all for nothing.
but as one of my friends pointed out, it could be worse
we could be michigan

other than the obvious than, its been wonderful being back at school
completely insane, im going to die from reading and no sleep
but all of my classes are phenomenal
i adore my profs
and the final for aquinas' philosophical theology is going to be a major paper on finding God in 'the end of the affair'
God bless john o'callaghan

what i really wanted to talk about though, was something that struck me yesterday by the lakes

i was sitting on one of the benches, mentally preparing for the pep-rally (badin hosted), and was vacantly admiring the way the sun sparkled on the water when i remembered a conversation i had with mom a few weeks ago
i was trying to explain why i find it so amazing that everything can be explained in semi-scientific ways, like sunsets and rainbows and starfish-you know, there are reasons why they are as beautiful as they are, and in order to function properly, its necessary that the result be beautiful
(at the time i was trying to think of reasons for dinosaurs existence - mom was saying that it should be enough that they existed simply to instill wonder and amazement at creation, but im still convinced there's more too it ... i dont know why, probably something to do with beauty always being a sign of some larger truth ... i dont know)
anyways
it just hit me in a very intense way, looking at the sunlight on the water, that i know exatly why it looks the way it does, with the constantly moving water because of the slight breeze and ducks floating around, the sky being absolutely clear, and spotty memories from chemistry about light and reflection and angles and whatnot, and if water must be all reflecty and shimmering-otherwise it wouldnt be able to serve its purpose of pretty much maintaining life on earth, and that without the light from the sun and the heat and chlorophyll and all that again, we pretty much wouldnt have life
so its necessary and all understandable and pretty dang cool
but you know, obviously God could have made the world any old way He wanted, but He made it so that it is just absolutely beautiful
in and of itself, the water and the sun and the lake was amazing. it was like sequins and happiness and i could have (and did) stare at it for a very long time
and i thought about how if i had my camera with me, i wouldnt take a picture
and i FINALLY understood why really, i dont like taking pictures of beautiful things
because they are never, ever as beautiful as the real thing
but mostly, because it somehow implies that *this* is more beautiful than by what we are normally surrounded

and really, we should be in awe constantly. and i think its a failing of mine, at least, that i do judge some natural things to be more beautiful than others
my sunset in broome for instance
at the time, and if im honest with myself, still, i consider it to be the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen
but that we because it was so spectacular, and unusual, and in such a unique and utterly new setting, i think i was more attracted to the novelty of it
i forget to realize that things i have grown up with, and have become totally desensitized to, are really just as beautiful
like grass, and leaves, and heavy grace of pine trees.
we are always surrounded by beauty
campuses like TAC and ND make it easier to recognize this
but even in cities, where there is little to no nature left
and you are in a ghetto and there are no beautiful artifacts
there are still people, and to me this is the greatest tragedy
the most beautiful thing you can ever be around on this earth is another human being
"immortals living in a mortal world"
and yes, there are bad people, and many will end up in hell
but we are given the means to aid as many as we can
we are able to help each other

and then i started to think about how the catholic conception of hell is beautiful
in its own way
that frpaul sermon about how no one is in hell who doesnt want to be there
and God damns no one, but loves us so much that if at the end of times that is what we are asking for, and despite how much it pains Him, He will send us there

then i started thinking about how that is the only way to think about hell and have it be anywhere palatable really (for me ... and i still have my issues at times ...), and that is because it is the only way of thinking about hell in terms of beauty
and in a way it is beautiful
so in a way i believe that it is true

and all the arguments i used to get into with rob about how i cannot believe anything on faith f it isnt beautiful, and that beauty is truth
and truth beauty

and dante
and eliot




then i went to the peprally and was all happy and then went to the game and was NOT happy
and this probably doesnt make any sense but just kinda me going off on random things i go off on
but it made more sense yesterday, i promise
(im just back in my bad-esther-habits and at the moment have a hard time seeing anything as beautiful after the revolting debacle of a game we all witnessed this afternoon)


but yeah
felt like writing about it

and to conclude thoughts from yesterday, i remembered my favourite quote from American Beauty ... possibly my favourite movie quote ever, and thus will end on a major cliche
(knowing that dad at least (dont know if mom watched it) will prolly get mad at me because i know you hate it)



"relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain"

...beauty flows through me like rain

and thats why i dont like taking pictures




ps: happy birthday catherine =)

tac, again

hey hey, im back in southern cali, soaking up the sun at tac

ill write about sydney when i have more time, prolly after i get back home
in a nutshell, it was brilliant
the first night i was there, Kat and i walked to circular quay and sat on the side closer to the bridge, and spent two hours talking, looking across the harbour to the opera house, and watching the bridge
i needed that long just to let it sink in
as soon as i accepted the reality, i never once had the "ahhhh! i cant believe im in sydney!!" feeling
of course i was
id been waiting and ready for years
it was like a coming home of sorts
deep familiarity was already there

the olympic park was an emotional trip
it wasnt even about being so in love with the olympics/ian anymore
it was about the history, the significance it has in my life now
almost like going to a memorial of sorts
i have little interest in what the park is used for now (although that was kinda cool)
i only care about it for what it was 7 years ago, and how much that effected my life
it was crazy
esp that i already knew pretty much everything they tell you in the tour, i didnt realize i still knew all that ... the stuff we know, and dont know we know - its crazy

now im at TAC
its sunny and beautiful
i started crying when i first saw stevo because i didnt recognise him
he's all grown up and huge and tan and blonde
wierd

salting the wound

so i check my email and i get a thingy from NRK that has the subject line:

"Muse Presale" [!!!!!!]

it's time we saw a miracle
come on, it's time for something biblical ...
come on, and change the course of history

*holds breath*

"94/7 Presents Muse on September 10th at The Rose Garden Theater of the Clouds! Tickets go on sale this Saturday (6.9) at 9 am through the Rose Quarter Box Office BUT being a Nation Member has its advantages and you will be able to get your tickets a couple of days early. Starting today at 10am until tomorrow (6.8) at 10pm click the link below and use the password 'nation'."


yippee.


too long trying to resist it
you’ve just gone and missed it
it's escaped your world


im not even upset.
resignation and all that

bump dee bump, bump dee bump

yeah, so i forgot to tell you that last week (the peculiarly hellish one) ended with me ripping off my little toenail on my right foot
i was running upstairs to print off my LAST paper of the semester, and while taking a turn rather sharply, i caught my toe on the metal tread thingy that's supposed to help you from falling down the stairs
who'da thought it would be leathal on your toes if you stubbed them too hard against it
anyways, my first thought was "DANG THAT HURTS"
and i stopped abruptly and concentrated hard on not passing out
then i looked down, and saw that i hadnt just stubbed the heck out of my toe, it was streaming blood everywhere and the nail was all loose and dangly
ew
but, i had a paper to print off, so i just sucked it up and continued on my merry way

the best part was when i was going outside to turn it in, went down the fire-escape stairs, and all the guys were congregating around talking about classes being oooovvvvveeerrrr
me: "hey! want to see something really gross?"
guys: "yeah! wha ... AAAHHHH YOUR FOOT'S COVERED IN BLOOD GROSS!!!"
me: "hee hee, told you"
guys: "AAHHHHH GO GET TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!!"
me: "nope, i have to turn in my paper"
chris brennan: "is that the lit paper?" (he's in the class too)
me: "yup"
chris: "jerk" (he wasnt done yet)
me: *limps off*
guys: "you're crazy!"

i was a crippled mess for two days, work was NOT fun. but it got my off early on sympathy points so it ended up working in my favor
it finally stopped hurting two days ago to the point where i could cut off the little bit that was still attaching my nail, but when it come off i looked at it more closely, and realized that not only did the nail come off, the little baby nail that was growing in came clean off too
so now im utterly nailless and have a feeling that i might end up inheriting papa's magic toe after all
=)

other things:

australian's use pumpkin in everything, pumpkin soup, ravioli, wraps, pasta, bread, mufins, chicken ... everything. and it's good too! i especially am fond of this pumpkin wrap that i get at a cafe down the street

even though ive been here for four months and now instinctively walk on the left side of the sidewalk, and look to the left first before crossing the street, whenever i see a car with only one person in it (driver) my heart skips a beat and i think "oh my gosh! who's driving that car!??!!"

the music scene here is at least a year behind, as well as clothing trends

australian soaps are probably the worst thing i have ever seen. to the point where i honestly wonder if the 'actors' get paid ... i mean, they're bad. way worse than american

the mcdonalds thats about a minute walk away is the only mcds in the world that is on the beach. kinda cool.

coffee here is wierd. they dont know what drip or percolated coffee is in fremantle. if you want black coffee, you order a "long black" which is an americano. everything is esspresso based. flat whites and lattes are the same thing, the only diff is that lattes are served in glasses, and flat whites are in reg coffee cups. and if you want a double latte, its a macciato
go figure. also, there is no starbucks in western australia. which is fine by me cos i love my cafe, but still, odd.

and last, but not at all least
merry christmas !!

http://www.tv-links.co.uk/show.do/1/2080

as far as i know, all the links work. allot are from the first season, but there are some from later ones. its still great

love ya

Summer 2007 Tour Dates for Crowded House

07.07.2007
Aussie Stadium
Sydney, AU

08.04.2007
Calvin Theatre
Northampton, MA

08.05.2007
Bank of America Pavilion
Boston, MA

08.06.2007
Mann Center for Performing Arts
Philadelphia, PA

08.08.2007
Beacon Theatre
New York, NY

08.09.2007
Beacon Theatre
New York, NY

08.11.2007
St. Denis Theatre
Montreal, Qu

08.13.2007
Massey Hall
Toronto, On

08.14.2007
Michigan Theater
Ann Arbor, MI

08.17.2007
Pabst Theatre
Milwaukee, WI

08.18.2007
House Of Blues - Chicago
Chicago, IL

08.20.2007
Uptown Theater
Kansas City, MO

08.22.2007
The Fillmore Auditorium
Denver, CO

08.24.2007
Humphrey's By the Bay
San Diego, CA

08.25.2007
Santa Barbara Bowl
Santa Barbara, CA

08.26.2007
Oakland Paramount Theatre of the Arts
Oakland, CA

08.28.2007
Greek Theatre
Los Angeles, CA

08.29.2007
The Mountain Winery Amphitheatre
Saratoga, CA

08.30.2007
The Mountain Winery Amphitheatre
Saratoga, CA

09.01.2007
Bumbershoot Festival
Seattle, WA

09.02.2007
Portland Center for the Performing Arts - Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall
Portland, OR





i never miss them by more than 7 days.

i have listened to them avidly since i was a child of 11/12 years old.
i know the lyrics to almost every song on Recurring Dream: The Best of Crowded House
at least three of their songs makes me cry every time i hear them, due to overwhelming nostalgia and love

i propose that the family takes a road trip to drop off stevo, or at least myself and a parental unit so that i can see them in san diego or santa barbara and fly to school from LAX
OR jacquelyn and i road trip down
something

at some point i have to stop taking it, and say,
"enough is enough. this is completely ridiculous"
i will NOT let the universe sit back and laugh at me
i will beat the system

they are my love, and something must be done.


and yet i know that it wont work out ... and i wonder if thats why this keeps happening
i dont try hard enough



enough.

ps

im also refering to how recent australian literature 'mirrors' changes in australian government and society, specifically globalization and more involvment in international issues
and thus when refering to authors addressing these issues, i talk about them using literature to 'reflect' the changes.

get it? literature is the mirror? authors use it to reflect??

... i must be more caffeine-wired than i realized.
and dont tell me that im not being original ... at least not until ive turned it in

in 8 hours.

YIKES

because i dont have anyone else to talk to ...

wheee!!! i just figured out what i think australian 'national literature' is all about!
ive been sitting at my computer for hours, looking up articles, trying to find SOMEONE who gives a concrete definition that i didnt think was rubbish, and was coming up blank for ... well forever. then i said "what the heck" and decided that my definition was as good as anyone elses.
except i didnt know what my definition was

then i did!

check it out:

... This ‘Australian legend’ became the ideal in which Australian postcolonial literature was immersed. ‘Post-colonialist’ literature refers to literature that deals with stereotypical postcolonial issues, such as identity and personal journeys through unknown/hostile environments.[1] According to Helen Gilbert and Joanne Tompkins, “A theory of post-colonialism must … respond to more than the merely chronological construction of post-independence, and to more than just the discursive experience of imperialism … colonized peoples respond to the colonial legacy by writing back to the center.”[2] In other words, in order to deal with the changes wrought by newfound independence, post-colonialists need to go back to the identity they had before colonists invaded. The problem with this is that Anglo-Australians never had an identity prior to colonization; their heritage was Britain. ****This is what I view as Australia’s ‘postcolonial challenge’: its national identity must be made ‘from scratch.’ Thus in this paper, Australian ‘national’ literature will be understood as postcolonial literature that is seeking a deeper understanding of ‘what it is to be’ Australian. ****
[1] Helen Gilbert, Joanne Tompkins, Post-Colonial Drama: Theory, Practice, Politics, Routledge 1996, p.11
[2] Ibid.




yeah, i think its awesome. and exciting. and *magically*, fits my paper beautifully!

(its cooler if you know the name of my class is "Australian Literature and the Post Colonial Challenge", and that our assignment has nothing to do with the issue of what exactly the 'challenge' is)


plus i just realized tonight that while writing papers at least, ive become freakishly uptight about dangling prepositions. i never used to care.
i also hate split infinitives, but am much worse at catching them, and tend to use them chronically.

oh yes

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!!!!!!!!

you're 35 now, right?


i would call, but i dont have minutes
i would email, but i dont have your address
i would comment on your blog, but you dont have one

psh.

hope it is glorious. love you immensely.

GOOD LUCK with the move. im thinking of you often.

recent thoughts

i wrote these in my journal last thursday.
then i kept going back and thinking about them ... and i realized that i do not want to keep them for myself
they need to breathe somehow

so, apologies ahead of time if this comes across as narcissistic
that is not the intention

here they are:

[musings from lit tutorial]

you need to look death in the face to live - dessaix
"we are immortals, living in a mortal world" (lewis, i think)

-the only way to truly live life is as an immortal
and living this immortality is to be saturated with the awareness of death







if death was my reality
where would i go
who would i share it with
what are my regrets (kat's questions)

-this is supposed to be an exercises, placing yourself in the shoes of someone with a distinct expiration date
but isnt death supposed to be our reality always?
and isnt this what life is about?
making the choices of where our reality takes us
the relationships we choose to bring along our way
recognizing that although
"all things, and every manner of thing, shall be well" -dame julien/ts eliot
if we never have regrets, we are left with very little to grow from

or maybe thats wrong, there are always choices we wish we could take back
moments of repentance and reconciliation
but do we really regret them? they make you who you are
without these moments of failure, i would not be myself
to regret, to wish away different
i would be someone else
do i really want that?

O happy fall, etc






"life as a collection, not a series of splashes" -robert dessaix
narrative unity (macintyre)

the personal reality of death
a true sense of 'no regrets' while retaining contrition for wrongs done
we are not infancy, followed by childhood, adolescence, high school, university, grad school, marriage, etc
there must be unity ... uncertainty of the future, awareness of the past, our ancestors
all we know is what we are
live in this knowledge, not in fantasies of what the future brings

" Not fare well,
But fare forward, voyagers." -eliot (4Q: DS.III)







life is the journey between point A and point B ... and all the other points
it is not where we are going but how it is we get there

-its the journey







the difference between travelers and tourists
those that walk their own path and those that follow someone else's

-this is one of my favorite points from discussion.
[my Let Down moment]
the realization that this is how i think of australia
and this is what i have learned about myself
i have been a traveler and tourist for so long
but not since i have been here
this tranquility is not unique to australia or traveling abroad
its always existed, i just didnt see it ... ah!
seattle radiohead st. patricks byrd notre dame and australia
these have been mine
my travels







"hope is the certainty of Bliss" -night letters
that Bliss does exist, and we have the means to attain it

-of course. straight up baltimore cat
ive just become enamored with the word
Bliss
i think its an idea of which all of us are aware
and some to achieve bliss
but Bliss
this word makes the moments where
"the prospect of eternity becomes momentarily unbearable"
beautiful







"if life is to be beautiful
time must be transfigured" -night letters
not everything is linear

-beauty exists in the present
history ancestry culture
and the reality of death

lewis, macintyre come to mind again

" It seems, as one becomes older,
That the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence—
Or even development: the latter a partial fallacy
Encouraged by superficial notions of evolution,
Which becomes, in the popular mind, a means of disowning the past." -eliot (4Q: DS.II)







where does religion fit?
the difference between organized religion and spirituality

-the books we are discussing are very spiritual
but reject organized religion
why?

the disjunction between separate unique paths
and following the train tracks ... the path of a dogma

-we are to be wild and wandering
not lemmings running to a social cliff
but religion, dogma is a paved road, isnt it?
(this is how they see it, and i realized, subconsciously, i had too)

how to reconcile?
everything said so far seems so true, so real
and it could basically be a commentary on the Four Quartets (thats what i was thinking at least)
so it MUST be true
but how do you travel
on a highway full of rush hour traffic

then i realized

[and this is my revelation]

the Faith is not a train track
not a paved road with signs

Faith

Faith is the hand
to pull you up when you stumble
while off the beaten path
of a best friend reminding you
who you are in a crowded street
of the lover mutually experiencing
the solitary beauty of a moonlit beach

Faith is not the travel [tourist] guide
she is the companion



"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

-eliot (4Q: LG.V)






who could have predicted that my australian literature class would help me live the four quartets and radiohead?





it barks at no-one else but me
like it's seen a ghost
i guess it's seen the sparks a'flowin
no one else would know

hey man, slow down, slow down, slow down

--radiohead, the tourist




EDIT: i realize that this isnt terribly well written or anything revolutionary
in fact, its all fairly obvious
its just when i have a harder than usual *duh* headslap
i get excited
and like to share
especially when it all comes down to eliot
... the four quartets continue to amaze and humble me